Journal

14th July 2008

I've been let down again. Its inevitable. I got too excited. I felt too much, again. I've made another mistake again. Like a fool I let myself go, thinking that this was a possibility...I am a fool. Again, I will pick myself up, and I will walk again. My heart is lonely. I am okay with myself, I have spent many years excavating to rediscover the little girl that was before all the painful events started to play out - and I've found her. I know her bubbly giggles that gurgle from deep in her belly. I know her spontaneity of deep loving affection, she just lives tolove those around her, her sudden bursts of excitement at the simple wonders in the world - a leaf falling in a slow descent in Autumn, the faintest of breezes brushing against her cheeck and the smile of peace that spreads across her face in response, a spider inconspicuously climbing its web, a lizard scuttling along the bricks trying to escape the playful grips of a cat's paw - I know this wonder. She is me - I found her, after a very long search. I misseed her terribly, I abandoned all to find her again. .... and I love her (this little girl who is me) dearly. I am content with the woman that is me. And now my heart is wanting a Love, an intimate one. Those older in age (but I think not so much wise) all tell me the same thing - 'you have to be content with yourself, someone else can't be that for you" - do you see me wondering the earth in search of myself? Do you see me flitting from one place to the next never settling long enough to make a home? Do you hear me saying i don't know what to do with my life - lost? I think not - quite the contrary in fact. I see these "elders" back, and its them I see as lost, and discontent, and not knowing themselves ... but its so easy to get caught up in the illsuion of physical age. ..... No, I just love too much, too deeply, too infinitely - and it seems the other can't match me in return. I can't think what else it can be. Perhaps I will only find a match outside of the earthly plane....I thought I had found it - I should have listened and taken in what I was told from the start, and I didn't, I know that I didn't - I didn't want to. He said he'd already met his match. That was my downfalling. I'm too sore right now to be anywhere else. I think I'll just sit for a while with the pain, the disappoinment, and grieve a love lost, died. And when I'm ready I'll move on again. But for now, I'm just going to quietly sit with this ache - of having lost the greatest love I have yet felt, that has ever breathed through me. The blessing is that I learn the incredible capacity of my heart more and more each time, but each one that I Love, seems to not be able to get it - perhaps its too much - like Moses meeting God on the mountain - he would have been destroyed had he seen God's true form. I don't want to hold back. I want to give expression to my soul, my nature, my heart - I want to share who I am from my very depths, and I want to wrap the other in this blanket called Me. I don't want to keep it to myself - I life with my love each and every day - why can I not celebrate it? Its for me to share - its an expression of Spirit - the Spirit's language and medium of creativity is Love - and yet people seem not to see this. To see that magic, to feel their essence in this mystical wording, powerful creative expression. He speaks of his language and its ancient life with awe, yet does not see that its mysticism is just the same as the most ancient of languages.... Can I not too have my dreams come true? Am I not also worthy of that? I think I am. Just because I strive to Love more greatly than others may, does not mean I cannot do so .... I don't understand him then, why he, and all the others, wouldn't want this. I'm left befuddled......Its very sad that it was just a fleeting moment - it was so fast - and then gone. There was not enough time for the seed to take route. The soil go errodedand the seed was lifted and carried elsewhere. for the time being it will lay still - I guess - I'm not sure where its gone, I'm not inclined to look for it right now. My heart is just too sore, and I just don't understand, and am too confused ... I don't get him, and I don't get this - and possibly I never will.