Cold (14th July 2008)

...... The cold set in

again last night

its been a while

since we last

sat and reminisced

about life

about

death

its possibilities

ways of going

of moving on

i did not hear it come in

but rather

"heard" it move around me

and close in

but just a hint

the iciness

numbness

i have felt before was not there

in as full a force

thank God

but the despondency was

and it knew of my deep tiredness

my endless sadness

for too well

too long

i have known that despair

i crumpled on the floor

i gave up

and let flight

to all the ways

i'd say goodbye

or not

i wondered if there were things

i'd yet to "clean"

to settle

but all is well

(save for my debt)

(save for that pending conversation with my brother;

but that's neither here nor there;

should it never happen

he will learn elsewhere)

my affairs with blood ties

are strong

are well

i think i'd say just one goodbye ....

much strength it takes

to drag myself back into life

to find the motivation

stamina

reason

and its chores

to wash up

and routinely do the sleeping thing

eyes puffed

and sinuses aching

from too much

sobbing

weeping

crying

You have no idea

how you have been a part of this

and will be for a while

how much i have sacrificed

for you

you just won't know

because you don't want to

and its okay

you live in your dream world of

cushioned emotional comfort

its safer there

than out here in the wild

icy winds

of severity

intensity

extremes

blow relentless

you probably couldn't handle it anyway

you don't have what it takes

the courage of heart

the inner strength of steel

i'll just leave you by the wayside instead

and continue to explore

every hard

rough

volatile

niche and corner of this landscape

called Life

with its cutting rocks

and blinding storms

once again a lone explorer

the illusion

is that all is well

and happy and oh so lovely

and you're all just empty

i think you should stay with them

its safer that way

neater

i've tried to show you
but its not my place
this isn't the first time
i've crossed the borders
into foreign territory
where i was not permitted
and i did with you
i picked you up
and carried you in my arms
to all the places
you've needed to see
i've handed you all the texts and scripts
that you will need
all out of the deepest love
and caring
for who you're yet to become

only in years yet

will you know

what you were given

your ego clouds your sight for now

this desert of ice

i've crunchd through before

will i make it -

i never know -

"if its my time, its my time"

if i make it,

it will have been without you.

and at some point

you too will suffer

and you'll not be prepared

you'll ache

excruciatingly

and you'll learn of

what you missed

what you lost

and may never

get back again

and I am sorry that it is this way.