'Nineteen Minutes' - Jodi Picoult

"... dispensing justice was really more about being present and
engaged than anything else - ... "

Chinese Proverb ...

'If we don't change the direction we are headed,

we will end up where we are going.'

......."Gilgulim - גילגולים - means Reincarnation"

" .... it derives its meaning from the hebrew word GAL גל which means to reveal or unhide; the doubling up of the word גלגל implies in the word Gilgulim Reincarnations that we need to unveil and reveal the hidden meanings of life in this physical world, in spiritual world and from a previous lifetime."

Alone until the Other Arrives ...

Aloneness ... and then the dilemma of the emptiness and the void ... and I as I grapple with this, I get the following, as I struggle to find peace in myself, as I start thinking that i'm believing in a phantom, a fantasy of my own making .... then I get this, so what do I do, pick myself up from this "trip and fall" and keep walking this lone path? My deepest heart's desire? where when I ask my heart what is missing and I think perhaps that I am not doing enough - that the final answer I fall back on, that I always fall back on is the searching, the waiting, the aching, the

space that I cannot fill myself ..... perhaps, what I need to do and learn here this time round is the art of patience, that this will come, in its time, but for now to be at peace with the waiting ......

"The Soulmate"

Talmud (Sotah 2a) teaches that "destiny" has designated each and every individual with a soulmate. The "soulmate" is actually the other half of a person. With ones soulmate one is wholesome, without it one is void and empty. With ones "soulmate" comes a "package" of a home to live in and profession/job and purpose in life.
The spiritual and physical energy of planet earth resonates to the number TWO, everything on our planet comes in pairs. The Earth itself is paired with the Moon, the identity of the Earth needs the Moon to exist both physically and spiritually, in the renewal of energies monthly and daily tidal flows, as the magnetic pull of the Moons energy causes high and low tides - the Earth needs CHANGE to exist.
The emphasis and importance of finding ones true soulmate is the key to success in life. The two halves that make the whole, once together one can lead a fulfilling and purposeful life of "destiny". Having the "wrong half" means one does not have ones soulmate hence one does not have "the key of life" to fulfill ones true destined purpose in life.

The purpose of the "soulmate" is to make a person feel wholesome with LOVE and enable one to accomplish the mission and purpose of life through physical, sexual and spiritual LOVE energy. Everything constructive and good in this life is only created through LOVE. Only through the loving energy created together with ones soulmate creates the perfect energy to live, bringing meaning to everything in ones life.

(http://www.gilgulim.com/whosoulmate.html)

... I think I can breathe a little easier now...there's nothing wrong with me, I just haven't found my other half yet ... I'll learn the art of patience, and patiently wait.....

By Paulo Coelho

The roller-coaster is my life;
life is a fast, dizzying game;
life is a parachute jump;
it’s taking chances, falling over
and getting up again;
it’s mountaineering;
it’s wanting to get to the very top of yourself
and feeling angry and dissatisfied
when you don’t manage it.

(Eleven Minutes)

He Kisses Me ...

Life kisses me
like a Lover does
softly
like a whisper
a caress across the cheek
almost imperceptible
and yet still very much there
and folds me into His arms
that safety space where strength stands guard
as tenderness does its job inside
His masculine side
holding me
forever, for as long as I need
As a Lover would -
He consoles me
His Love
Deepest Love
wanting to be everything that he can for Her
and wondering if what he is
is enough

... and hoping
with all his heart
with all his Being
that it is,
that he is....

...and while doing this,
he keeps whispering over and over
that I am always enough,
and always have been...

And so who do I want to be? ...

In Moses’ footsteps
Posted: 25 Aug 2008 06:59 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho

Rabbi Zuya wanted to discover the mysteries of life. He therefore resolved to imitate the life of Moses.
For years, he tried to behave like the prophet - without ever achieving the results he hoped for. One night, tired of so much study, he fell into a deep sleep.
God appeared in his dream:
- Why are you so upset, my son? - He asked.
- My days on Earth will end, and I am still so far from being like Moses - answered Zuya.
- If I needed another Moses, I’d have already created him - said God. - When you come before me for judgment, I will not ask whether you were a good Moses, but who you were. Try and be a good Zuya.

Do You ....?

I wonder if you still see me
and when you don't if the aches sets in

does a space exist where I once did
that cannot right now be filled
that just is
and that you have to just be with
and are you with it

When I move past your line of vision
do you hear an echo of what was
a yearning for what could have been
and the pain of now what is not
when you stare at the blue of my eyes
of what do you think
what stirs you within

does your chest tighten
and do you notice
that your breathing shallows
and that your heart is sad
with missing
with sadness
with disapointment

did you love
like never before
and do you push that knowing
that reality away
as you've said you do
when the emotions set in
or just this once
could you stop and turn
and face
the love that perhaps you felt
one you possibly have never felt before
does this love still linger
with nowhere to go
and how
pray tell
do you let it and you be
side-by-side
moment-by-moment

do you still love as deeply
and wonder "where to from here"
?



do you struggle

The Ache Within

So the pain is very much there, very much present with me the whole day through, it was here yesterday as well. I'm breathing and doing my best to be with it, to carry it with me, not ignore it, and to let it hold me back too - although sometimes I forget. And I keep reminding myself to be gentle and kind to myself (as Michael said to be with one's self - he's such an angel). I also keep reminding myself to keep my heart open, that despite everything, if anything I have the biggest heart, the biggest love, and that to be able to have accessed this extent of one's self is the most precious thing in all of life - I am so very sad, so I just keep gently whispering all of this back to myself. .... will I find my way through, I'm not sure. I'm never sure when these spaces arrive. So I trust that this time Life will carry me through to a better place, a peaceful place, and that I won't have to go through this yet again ... these times always tire me out so very much ....

.... and the hardest is that I can't say out loud how I'm really feeling. That, I think is the hardest part of all.

The Call

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.
Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.

Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.
But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.

There's no safety in that!
Remember what you are and let this knowing take you home to the Beloved with every breath.
Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing colour the shape of your humanness.
There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.

Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.
There is no waiting for something to happen, no point in the future to get to.

All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.
You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.

Come home and rest.
How much longer can you live like this? Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles.

All this trying. Give it up!
Let yourself be one of the God-mad, faithful only to the Beauty you are.
Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close, dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.
Remember-

there is one word you are here to say with your whole being. When it finds you, give your life to it.

Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.
Spend yourself completely on the saying. Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

(© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Call,

Harper Collins, 2003)

I started reading The Call again last night .... as always I have to wait until I am ready for the teaching ... so now I get to learn to Trust in Life again - and so the Divine - and that I am being taken care of (and always have been) .... I am getting to face my deepest fear of life.

Question ?

So my question is this - how to know when you are okay and enough -
that Life accepts you ... How do you know when to stop trying and just
fall into being without feeling guilt and blame, instead a deep sense
of acceptance for yourself and how you're doing life ... Is this still
living consciously and awake and with truth? ... How to feel you're
living truthfully, and flowing like water in each present .... how?

.......

"Sometimes when the people you thought believed implicitally in you, you realise don't , or seem to have forgotten.... we have to find the courage to keep walking alone and to keep believeing in our own self ... for me, that's now."

...and just perhaps, you are my resistance, and I AM growing - even when I think I have lost my way, I get disheartened, I try and reach for you to better understand you, but in fact this friction teaches me more about me, encourages me to stand my ground and not lose hope in who I am, and that maybe I'm not meant to understand you and I'm vesting my energy in something / someone that I'm not meant to .... that then must be the blessing in all of this (its just one in disguise).

.... I just want you to also be the best you can be, but until you start with yourself and give your self the chance to do this, you will never create the space for other's to do the same ... the role of a leader is a hard one, that seems in my experience to get harder and harder, but what I realised last night in talking to a wise old friend, that the resistance must match the growth - in order to continue to allow us to build in strength .... I want you to see what you are capable of being, and I truely believe you choose not to see this out of fear, fear of failure? fear of being alone? But you are this already! .... I want you to be your best ... for you.

I've been watching from a distance and I know you are not in a good space ... I suspected / sensed this was so, even as I sit here in another city 1000 km's away ....

... and yet, you let no-one near you. I know I am the last person you want to have be concerned for you. I understand that, but it doesn't change the nature of my heart - and what lies therein.

you call me defensive and say I stick my claws out - yes I do...and perhaps I have learning to do there. No matter if I am scared or not, I will look.....

I watch you from a distance and I see you are not well, you hide behind your well-articulated, clinically business words ... and push me further and further and further away ... I won't say that it doesn't hurt. If it didn't I know that I don't care for you as deeply as I do - it would be neither here nor there....the fact that it does, that it causes that deep ache in my chest, and sadness in the pit of my stomach, as I watch you isolate yourself from those around you more and more, confirms that you are special to me. That has not changed. The words you send my way, so surgically sterile and clean, so perfectly sentenced together, show me that perhaps we have reached the end of the road and that our mutual learnings through one another will be very hard from this time on - until we fully part. That does not make for easy swallowing - I am tense and apprehensive as I know the possibility of a stormy keeping of professional company looms up ahead in the nearest future.

My words have been harsh, crisp, cutting toward you - and as I try to understand what my intention has been behind that I hope within myself that as I look there I will find that it was driven only by a deep concern, but I think I must admit that along with that is an anger of seeing you hurt yourself and my knowing there is nothing I can do about it, and so there is also frustration and disappointment as I see that I must continue to let go, let you be that rock you ascribed yourself to be like, the space where you are now, and I must walk my path with "watching from a distance" being my only connection to you.... I can do this, I know that, and only because I am learning more and more that that is the ultimate nature of love.

Paulo Coehlo's Quote of the Day

Suffering,

if confronted without fear,

is the great passport to freedom.

(Eleven Minutes)

Perhaps my greatest guide of them all:


"The first cardinal virtue: Faith"

According to the dictionary: from the Latin word fide: confidence; religious belief; conviction with regard to someone or something; firmness in fulfilling a commitment; credit; intention; theological virtue.

According to Jesus Christ: The apostles said to the Lord, “Give us more faith.” And the Lord said: “If your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you could have said to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and planted in the sea,’ and it would have obeyed you!” (Luke, 17: 5-6)

According to Buddhism: “We are what we think. Through thought we build and destroy the world.
“We are what we think. Your imagination can do more harm than your worst enemy.

“But once you control your thoughts, no-one can help you so much, not even your father or your mother.” (Extract from Dhammapada, a collection of some of Buddha’s principal teachings)

For Islam: “How do we purify the world?” asked a disciple.

Ibn al-Husayn replied: “There was a sheik in Damascus called Abu Musa al-Qumasi. Everyone honored him for his wisdom, but no-one knew if he was a good man. One afternoon a flaw in construction caused the house where the sheik lived with his wife to fall down. In despair, the neighbors began to dig among the ruins. After a while they managed to locate the wife.
“She said: ‘Leave me. First save my husband, who was sitting more or less over there.’ The neighbors removed the debris from the place she had pointed to and found the sheik, who said: ‘Leave me. First save my wife, who was lying down more or less over there.’

“When someone acts like this couple, they are purifying the whole world through their faith in life and love.”

.....soothing words that sound so similar, yet are not mine .... but just keep reminding me over and over of my own nature and image, remind me of who I am and want to continue to be ... and to keep writing this from my heart - to keep speaking and spilling out my heart's deepest desires ....

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/dreams.html

The Four Invisible Forces

love

death

power

time

they are separate from us, but exist beside us as they guide us toward and through each of our lessons, each moment of our existence ....

.... as I read about them now, I understand their intangibleness as if I can indeed touch them, I see them soar alongside me as I continue to journey higher and higher

and I hear the Songlines of Life sing through me, a single chord - so crystal and clear and pure and charming in sound - from the bottom of my body all way the through to the top of me - the origin of creation, or spirit, of soul

.... I haven't heard and felt the Song of Life for a long time now - too long - its good to be home....

...Quote ...

We go out into the world in search of our dreams and ideals.

Often we store away in some inaccessible place what is already there within reach of our hands.

(Maktub)

by Paulo Coehlo

The Rock ...... (a Natural Symbol)

"From the height of the Mountains, we now concentrate on their building blocks : the rocks.
Rocks, given their solidity, are often symbols of eternity. And given that they alter less perceptibly than other physical manifestations, they are often taken as divine symbols. The mightiest examples of this are Menhirs and dolmens.
In India, rocks that would emerge from the top of the mountains are considered as the lingams of Shiva , whilst in ancient China, to draw rocks would represent long life according to the yang principle (whilst to draw waterfalls would be associated with the yin principle).
In Judaism the block of stone placed as the altar of the temple is considered to be the middle of the equator and thus as the origin of the world.
But the rock “on the rough”can also be pictured in certain sects as the novice that still has to pass through many phases before becoming a “sculpted” rock, in which the tradition will carve it’s teachings.In this sense then the rocks is the symbol of potentialities - of the qualities inherent to a person but not yet manifest.The rock waits then to be transformed and is considered as a path looking for it’s destination."

..... and just as I think I am again alone in my understanding and experience of life .... that I again have lost the plot, I go back to the beginning of when I started to awaken and the source that guided me and read what it was and still is I assume, that drives her to write and live and be as she does ... and in her drive to not give up, to keep searching and holding onto that which she cannot see, but that she just KNOWS to be true, because she has come to comprhend that the truth lies in the unseen, the intangible, the unexplainable, all that seems to be ciondemned and criticised for not following reason and logic into physical form - that nothing less than this is real, anything else is illusion ... it is here that I hear my voice, that voice that calls me gently into the right direction when I lose my way, it is here that I find myself once again ... and here that I will renew and replenish my reserves and continue with my journey, staying true to my heart, my soul, my identity, even when the world refuses to understand me and what it is I am looking for .....

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/

Oriah Mountain Dreamer's "Opening The Invitation"

A Bitter Pill

"Rejection ....

.... a difficult pill to swallow

and one, that I think, will always be

bitter in taste

and in digestion

it sits like a hard

sour ball

in the pit of the stomach

refusing to disintegrate

be broken down

and to leave

more acid than the stomach juices

it takes its time

and only when

you're ready to let go

stop resisting

and let it be

does it finally fade

dissolve

and leave you

some relief

finally some peace.

and in its place

a gaping hole

a searing rip of flesh

tender

and weeping

and broken...."

A Prayer

Please
Let me hold you in my heart
And let's not bruise one another so anymore
Let us stop with the scissors that cut those paper cuts
Invisible blades of pain...

I want to rather hold my memory of you from a distance
Be true to the caring for you I hold deep inside

No longer giving you a reason to bite me inconspicuously with your
words you type.

Too sore am I to play this game
We both hurt too deeply
And love beyond our sense of safety

Let us coincide
Amicably
its the
best we know how,
best we can do.

... My Last Message in a Bottle ... Just for You

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep

in the empty moments.

(Oriah Mountain Dreamer)

As the inner storm subsides, the waters are so much clearer and I can start to see the horizon and surroundings far more …..and so I see you.

So often I walk away from these sorts of situations battered and bruised thinking I failed, because I could not get you to see what I tried so hard to – and I walk away thinking I am less than what I thought I was, that I missed the plot, missed the point, that somewhere I got lost along the way, that I am the one deeply lacking … and, instead of listening to me I listen to you, and your opinions … but what I forgot, and did so again this time, was that perhaps it was not me on the wrong track, that I was not lost, only confused because I let your lack of trust in me become my lack of trust in me. … through distance I get perspective, and my understanding now is that I couldn’t have been there for you more than what I was, not because I reached my limit, but because of your lack of receiving…. I tried to show you who you really are … I stood for you in every possible way – and came back every time despite my deepest fears, my body telling me your ground is not firm, you still do not know yourself…. (and I know that I still stand for you in my heart, but you need to trip and fall on your own now).

I know I do this every time, and I did it again with you. I know you do not see the whole of me, because you do not see the whole of you. I see the whole of you, and so I can see the whole of me – and this clarity in the waters is what allows me to be where I am now, to be with certainty with myself and my perspectives, that just a day or so ago I undermined …

I hear your criticism and downsizing of people everyday – I’m surprised you haven’t done the same to me more??? And I know this is because of how you undermine yourself, how you guard you run as far as you can from your heart, terrified of what it entails to go searching therein, after all this time – it always “starts at home” – I wish with all my heart that you could find a way to move beyond this and be the soul you’re destined to be – the person I saw from the very beginning, and still sense beyond all the walls, and obstructions and disbeliefs in humanity – but you would need to choose this destiny. If you could move into this direction, you’d move into the possibility that is waiting to be your reality, you’d discover a self that is you that you’ve never known before…..

...

You seemed to think that my youth governs my understanding - of life
and love. Today I walked with the sands slipping between my toes, and
remembered to not let your lack of faith in me, your lack of trust in
you, govern who I become, how I am coloured beyond this crossroads.
You think me naive and full of fantasy in how I view Love. I
considered this - your viewpoint ... I am to old in soul, to rich in
experience to NOT have faced Love's true guise. You kept me far away,
focusing on me, to hide from you...

Slipping into Me

I resolve and relax
Into giving in to myself
Giving in to the greater part of me - and letting her hold me
While I walk through this
Did I fail again? Was I not enough in my heart and my love?
The answers all being tender and firm "No's."
I was everything that I could have been, I loved with every part of my
being, I offered generously - and honoured the depth of my heart by
holding nothing back ...
And then I'm told, he just wasn't ready to receive all of that...
I let go and fall into the stillness in me

The Dance

THE DANCE

I have sent you my invitation,

the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.

Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"

Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,

spiralling down into the ache within the ache.

And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward

to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.

Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself

when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,

And see who I am in the stories I am living.

And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.

Show me you can risk being completely at peace,

truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,

and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,

the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall,

to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy

boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we

never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can

risk letting the world break your heart.

And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead

make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business

without letting business determine who you are.

When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's

desires have too high a price,

let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world

the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show

you how I struggle

not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,

knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me

in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of

the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest

intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next

great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from

the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"

Just take my hand and dance with me.

(Oriah Mountain Dreamer)

~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

This has been my saving grace over the past day.....

By Paulo Coelho

"Profound commitment to a dream does not confine or constrain: it liberates. Even a difficult, winding path can lead to your goal if you follow to the end."

(Maktub)

Being Your Word

So this is the low-down…..

I did the right thing, I know this. But it doesn’t make it any easier – in fact it actually diminishes the numbness and allows the pain to surface even more – perhaps this is better, to allow it the space to breathe, to face the air of forgiveness and the chance to release and free – itself and me ….

It was not too long ago that I learned the following – to be Your Word, the Word that stands at the core of who you are, and holds the Essence of who you are. The concept at the time was quite if not completely foreign. And I know that for most sitting in the room with me at the time – it went straight over their heads. I was suspicious at first – very aware of the fragile state of my mind and knew that I had to tread very carefully in the space of my cerebral garden and pick carefully the concepts / thoughts and philosophies that I wanted to allow to take seed therein.

It took a month or so for the essence of what this course was trying to say to really sink in. I was very diligent in protecting myself from getting caught up in the hype. I knew that I was there for a reason – to get closure on the past in a particular area in my life where this course was directly involved, but to also walk away with something new and enlightening for me – for my growth. I did walk away with this. I was brave enough to walk away from the course and all those involved as well at the time – because what I learned – the essence – blew my world apart. And in keeping with this new found knowledge that wasn’t any longer just comprehended in my head, but I soon realized was in fact already a part of me – it was/is a principle that has always been a part of me – it is inherently in my nature.

I came to understand the power of the energy expressed from our bodies – be it in the form of words, actions, thoughts. I came to realise the potency contained in these things – and to comprehend the level of profound creativity that is contained in each of these moments of expression - the magic being in that through these energetic expressions – we are expressing our spirit, our essence – in all of its trueness … BE YOUR WORD … the ancient cultures such as the Aboriginals understood this through their “songlines”; the Jewish understood it through their Mysticism; that this potent energy dwells with US and it is from here – deep in the belly of our spirit – that creation in fact starts – it is that concentrated life force, a mysterious magic that is the nature of our source, the fabric of our spirit – and the power held in our choices – it is through action and words and thoughts that we creatively give expression to life – and so ourselves – our nature – who we are, and essentially choose to be.

It has been long and hard in embracing this way of living out into every moment of my existence. And I don’t always get it right I think … I trip and fall and scrape myself, but each time I always try to find a way to pick myself up and keep going … And this is what carries me through now in this most recent and VERY powerful decision (thought) that I have taken, just two nights ago… the decision to leave a space because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be honouring who I am, who I stand for, for myself and for those I love.

You see in being my word, I have to act out and express the essence of who I am, and that entails living out and standing for my core values, my deepest being in spirit. The integrity of the one I love is at stake right now, his honesty towards himself, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I reached a crossroads where I was left to either continue living in his space where he is being this for himself and watch him go against his essence and deepest values, and hurt himself – or I could sacrifice our togetherness in the name of honouring who I truly believe him to be, and so place myself in the position where I know I can say I stood up for the both of us – in the name of Love. I couldn’t live that lie with him anymore. My heart is so achingly sore, my mind is distracted, but my spirit is clean and pure – like crystal ocean waters – the salt stings like mad!!! – but I know I stood for Us, for the pureness of our hearts and who we both truly want to be. I want to see him live out the foundation that lies and supports him from deep within, but I can only hope that he will find the courage to do this …. I’m not sure if he’s up for it. And, I’m not sure he’ll ever understand what and why I did what I did. And, I know he does not understand what he really has and does mean to me …. And it is okay, because I suppose its only me who needs to understand at the end of it all …. Hey?

I once said to him that the most important way of being true to oneself is having the courage to be true to one’s heart, one’s spirit – even when who we’re living as in the outside world doesn’t correspond with who we are inside of ourselves, and having to face and confront this with integrity. I said that this was self-respect, and that living like this allows for dying with no regrets, a light heart, and the greatest spirit …. I may have lost him long the way, but I need this, I need to live this, I need to be this ….

Push

He's pushing me away ...

so hard ....

so fast

and yes it hurts

it hurts like hell

I miss him

and the space inside me is raw

... but he's hurting himself so much more......

... How? ...

How do you make him see that you stand only for his best, you stand only for the deep-seated values of integrity and honour that he carries in his heart - for it is this that drew me to him to begin with ... and that to stand for anything less is to not stand for him at all, that to stand by and watch him, and then to also partake in his actions of now, is to not stand by him nor for him at all .... to condone him not living his truth and in the next breath to say "I love you" ... this is not love. not as I see it. It takes the deepest kind of courage to walk away from the person you hold so deeply inside of you because you cannot encourage them to be a lie for themself ... I love him too much to live this way, and so I've walked away.

... Naive yet True?

Too often an adult rebukes a chilf for their whimsical ideas - yet
some of greatest writers have gone back to their child - in essence
their spirit - in order to understand those deep and fundamental
Truths of Life. You see a child SEES so much more than what an adult
does, because the cement isn't there to block the eyes. I was told my
words are naive - are they? Interestingly most of the ones I shared
were all from a great writer - probably twice my age - certainly older
than you ... Is he then NAIVE too?

I am the Ocean and the Moon

Oceans waters run deep thru me, I wax and wane as the Lady Lunar, and
as temperamental as I am in each individual moment - choosing my own
mood and state to be that suits me - I live thru eternity, travelling
the same cosmic skies. Too many base impressions on my ever-changing
states, instead of looking beyond this illusion to the permanency of
my existence, unwavering, eternal.

Your arms

You said not so long ago that you just want to protect me, hold me in
your arms. So determined am I to prove my self-suffiency,
self-reliance, that I pushed ur tender want away, so I could not be
seen as weak ... And now, I see that I could have just received you
and fallen into that strong embrace that I love so much ... You see,
the truth is that I'm not always so strong, at times I fall apart ...
Like now. And I wish I could sink into you, be cocooned in your
embrace and let myself go, to just lie with u

? ?

What do we do when we sense the beginnings of unappreciation starting
to take seed - sensing that the other is falling into the arrogance
that we'll just always be there and no effort is needed to keep us
here anymore ... What does one do when you feel that whisper telling
you your valuable presence is starting to be taken for granted? ...

... I'm not sure yet, but I'm certainly working on it.

Forgetting to Appreciate

Its so easy to slip into a space of comfort and to forget to
appreciate that which is precious to us ... The nature of things is
'change' or impermanent, and so when something / someone close to us
is not appreciated by us in the deepest sense, you will find that one
moment there'll just be this space, this void - and in the distance
their receding forms. ... The thing is how easy it is to forget to
appreciate.

In the Other

You can never know what lies in the heart of your Other, and so we are
taught to trust ... but sometimes, you just need to take heed of and
witness the gentle warnings.

... and the tears just keep falling ... great big ones, and they taste
salty and clear ...