... advice of friends ...

We haven't seen one another for a while, and after spilling our guts
out, he wrapped up us two tender, loving, deep creatures that we are,
like this:
'unlike all the others, when we meet someone, we go straight to their
core bypassing all their layers of 'stuff' - so taken are we with
their true essence - we tend to start with marriage move backwards
towards the dating part and then realise all the shit / issues
surrounding the core - so we ultimately always start off
disappointed.' we see their beauty 1st.

... So What is Truth then?

I received two entries / quotes today in my mailbox - and i am perpelxed, becuase they seem to contradict one another .... the one looks at "Truth" ... and the other at "Love" .... So here are two extracts, one from the first and one from the second:


1. "Mahatma Gandhi ... “Those who believed in the simple truths I proclaimed, can only spread them if they live in accordance with them. I am absolutely convinced that any man or woman can achieve what I did, if he makes the same effort and nurtures the same hope and faith." "


2. “That’s how love got lost,” he said. “When we started laying down rules for when love should or shouldn’t appear.”


And so I ask this, when the love appears, and you know its true, but its secrecy has the potential to harm another, is it True? My heart tells me "NO!" My deeper sense tells me that the greater Truth and Love for myself, for space is right nowthe one I keep in my heart, and for the ignorant party, is to walk away - i try to undertsnad the "love" in my equation and how this second quote would fit into that ....

So here's a thought: Love comes to us in its own time, we can embrace or shy away, but not dishonour - Love is pure and generous and compassionate - it is not secret and ego-driven ... I fear that this is where I am with 'my love' at the moment - and my deeper sense of truth tells me that its time to go. Love I believe shows us the deeper love and compassion for ourselves - and shows us where we're terrified to tread - often into our own hearts and what truely lies therein - often its a long-forgotten love and tenderness that got hurt and that we covered up, hid, and tried to forget about over the years - the thing is, The Lady will keep returning until we get brave and venture back into ourselves .... so, what I am going to try and take away with me is that he has forgotten the love for himself and its limitless expanses, his capacity to love another because of this, and becuase of forgetting this love, he's fallen into a conventional way that contradicts everything that he confesses to believe in - and his actions now are a complete contradiction of his once saying how he is an "old soul" - a soul with the eyes of agedness would open then no matter how much resistance and see what needs to be seen ....

Its taken me so long to come to this point, but my being realised this morning that he may not want to face any of this - but i do - and if I trueky honour how I FEEL, then i cannot stanmd by and watch this happen - My "eyes" know how this hiding away hurts one's self, one's spirit, and the one's who back .... What I feel is an extension of who I am, and if I am true to myself, I will leave, becuase its the honest thing to do - being part of his decision to keep hurting himself and the people he loves is not what I stand for.

I understand love breezes in when we least expect it to - but surely it is there for us to grow, not to be complacent - surely it has our greater wellbeing at heart - then surely my role cannot be one of playing a part possibly hurting another's heart (I've been there once before). He will need to hurt her on his own, for I cannot, I honour her - and if this is really what he thinks of her, thinks its okay to continue with this, then he loves her not, for that is not Love.

.... sacred whispers .....

.... there is nothing greater than reaching the absolute bottom of one's strength and will and hope, only to be given a moment, a chance, to speak the initmate sounds and passions of the soul .... in that moment of surrender, one finds one's self, the tears well up in tenderness as one realises the magnitude of what has been expressed and released - and the courage it took to seize that moment, to take heed of the whisperings- and how peaceful it feels to express that which is .....

the beauty is breathtaking in the moments we are brave enough to say what is moving deep within us.

Your Zahir

Your Zahir

I am your Zahir
I’ve entered your mind
And body
And soul
You know I’m here to stay
And won’t go
And you won’t let me
You’ll hold on
Till your end
And then
You’ll hope we’ll meet again

You know I’ve touched
every part
of your core
you know
I dance
To your musical score
And with each
movement my body makes
it shakes
you through to your bones
you know
that even if I leave
there’ll be a gap
you’ll feel the breeze
forever
and then you’ll yearn to search
for that woman
who captured
your being like that
who seeped through
every pore
discovered your nature
both human and more
in that way
all the way through
“silent waters
penetrate deep”
Is what you said,
As you permeated my waters
deep
My fires have burned
Your desires
Red

… I am your Zahir
Not because I say this is so
But because
at last
You’ve seen your Destiny glow.

(28th July 2008)

The Point of "Make" or "Break"

There is a ine line between having life guide us ito circumstance that is beyond our knowing - and thus control -

- And then reaching a point in that circumstance / journey where the reigns are handed over to us - it is at this point that we stand for Truth despite how hard, or we relinquish the fact of our awareness and pretend it is still out o our control ....

(Life leads us to where we need to be - sets the stage, arranges the actors - but we choose the direction in which the play will unfold, the dialogue that will ensue, and thus determine the outcome for ourselves .... and solely based on this conclusion, will the nature of our next "encounter" be compiled.)

.... There is a point of innocence and sleep, and then it transforms into knowing awakedness - and it is at this point that we make or break who we are.

Journal: A Restless Heart ...

I am restless. My heart is yearning. I have felt the winds of change
caressing my cheek this past month - as they've done today - something
is coming. I'm not sure what, but I know this language too long, fully
fluent from having spoken it through lifetimes ... my direction is
about to change course again ... A mix of excitement and trepidation as I'm about to set off on another, sometimes daunting, journey I assume this becuase of experiences beore, but there is always space for change, and newness) ..... I hope and pray this leads me closer and closer to where I want to be, but know I cannot see because of the rule of "not all is always revealed, only as much is necessary to see the path just ahead" - the rule of needing to walk blindly along parts of the path ...... And all I can do is wait and see...

.....

"...you say I don't know you. But I do, and you know this .... you know that I see behind the veils, the safety mechanism of calmness, to your depths - I see what fires you, scares you, saddens you, moves you ........

I see that it's not your reasoning of if you cracked, what would others do, its what would you do ... where and whom would you fall into? .... so you hold on .....

......you also know that what I see is magnificent, and it terrifies you, because where to now? ...."

Fear the soulmate of Love (27th July 2008)

FEAR is the Disguised channel to LOVE .....


So what then is it to be truly content and full from life? What is it then to know life to it depths and to know its every horizon?

I believe it comes from the ability to let go of what we convince ourself is our happiness – its to let go of this and instead to know that we’ve reached every limit, searched in every corner and have tasted every morsel – so that we know every part of ourself, every desire has been tantalised and fed.

I see too many people around me feeding themself this lie – and when I look into their eyes, I know they are sad, that they have not explored every part of themself, every yearning, every pull, every flickering flame that motivates who they are.

And I see too many looking away from the reality of the missing parts, the holes deep within that so desperately want to follow, jump into and be satisfied to the full.

Do we not have a responsibility to do this? You see, when we don’t be true to ourself, we’re not being true those closest to us, nor to Life itself – we pretend that all is well – and then when we go astray we pretend we don’t know why. We use the excuse of riding the wave – but there are different ways of riding the wave, skilfully using the rides own choice of directions to gently steer ourselves, or to submit completely intot he wave itself – I’m not the wave appreciates the weight.

Why lie to one’s self? Why keep the other blinded – because we all know that the other actually knows in their heart what’s really going on – they just don’t want to admit it – so they live in silent suffering, and hold on, submitting themselves and sacrificing themselves – giving up on their own dreams, becoming the other’s servant, subservient in a desperate attempt to hold onto what is no longer there. And we (the one having gone atray) let them carry this burden when it’s not theirs. Out of cowardice and a fear of the Unknown, we too hold onto what we know – even if it is dead, even if the winter has arrived and its time to clean out the closet of the stagnancy – for debris needs another life to start – its where new life breeds from. If we do not throw the old out – it stagnates and causes disease. But throw it out and it becomes compost for new life – we move form the Winter of the soul into its Spring. But rebirth, is the unknown for too many, and so they stay in winter. And ignore life calling them, beckoning them to move into the next season for their life.

I see people too scared to be all of themselves? Why deny your ultimate Self? There is nothing wrong with wanting and dreaming and doing what you need to, to realise it. It’s the only way to ensure that those around us are left happy and fulfilled too – that, in my eyes is love. The courage to face that which no longer is within one’s self, take a stand to change this, and by standing up inspire those closest to us to do the same for themself. This is unconditional love – facing the truth and letting go – so there can be rebirth, new life – unconditional love. In the Zahir, Esther realises this and knows that her marriage has become dead, and harmful (in spirit), so she takes a stand and leaves knowing that to truly be with the man she loves, her spirit needs to discover her love for herself first – she was empty, her reservoir was low and the fire between her and her man was dying. The risk was that their marriage would extinguish, but she knew she had to do something. Her awareness of life was too awake for her to not do something, if she was going to continue to be the person she had been in her life up to that point, she had to face the reality of her life and change it…. He came in search of her, because by her leaving and searching for that fullness of life in her again, by her going in search of who she truly is and had forgotten along the way, she moved beyond the reactionary human way of being, became all of herself and inspired him to do the same – for him. She created space for the both of them to rediscover the people they were when they met – that passion and fiery spirit that had drawn them to one another at the beginning. She found what Love truly is in nature, the strength to let go, in order for the possibility of newness – and ultimately something Greater, beyond what they had experienced up till then…..

To not be true to ourselves and our heart, in a dignified, open and honest way – is to lie to our essential self – and, to leave our loved one’s in an undignified space. If you’re not entirely happy in love, then confront it, face it with tenderness, face the other with tenderness as you confront your reality – which is theirs too. There are many avenues to venture down in the name of honesty and greater possibility.

We all deserve to search and yield the rewards of our searches in the name of honouring our Truth. Its why we are here. Sacrificing ourself does no one any good, it creates resentment, dishonesty and secrets. That is not love, I do not believe, and anyone who professes this is love – and this is what unions with another are about – are sorely lost, confused – or scared to the core that if they were to truly let go in search of what calls in the heart – if they were to let go and let their heart’s current guide them – let go of their “reasonable”, “rational”, controlling mindset (I use inverted commas because I do not believe this is rational or reasonable but the contrary) – and give into their Greater Self, that they’d no longer be in control …. For some reason people use the excuse that this path causes hurt and is selfish – this is where the its all got twisted –THIS is Love, trueness to one’s self at the deepest level, where courage is needed to see and face where we lie to ourself in our life does not cause hurt. It liberates in the most compassionate loveing way, and opens the space for us to really see how we are being to our self, what is not true in our life, and it opens the space for those closest to us to be true to themself as well – and to go in search of their own deep happiness, pursue their REAL dreams, and recognise where they too have been going wrong. Holding onto that which does not exist, but is pretended to be there, is not true – that is illusion. Reality is facing that which IS.

So I discuss this with a friend, I am not sure if he got what I said. He may read this and think I am trying to change his ways, that I’m telling him to leave where he is right now. This is the complete opposite. I want to say that he is not happy where he is. I can see it, and have from the beginning. I know his nature, and I do not see him nourishing himself and who he truly is by his interacting with his loved one – the affection is not there – his passion is dying inside of him, it’s suffocating inside, and I can see his spirit drowning and desperately trying to wake him up. I’ve told him before his cough is because his heart is suffocating inside and he won’t believe me – he said he’s had this for 10 years, well perhaps this is how long he’s been unhappy……If I didn’t care about him, I wouldn’t have said this as frankly to him as I did. I want him to face where he is dishonouring himself and his spirit – and through doing this, dishonouring his relationship. He is hurting his body. And he is eventually going to hurt everybody that he holds deeply in his hurt – only the devastation will be irreparable. (Unfortunately the wiser a person in the ways of Life, the higher the level of responsibility). He does not have a relationship with his partner, but with his work – that is where his fires are stoked, his passions are inspired. What I am saying to him instead is find the courage to face this – in the name of his happiness, and his partner, and the rest of their lives (together or apart) because she deserves to have a new start too, have her passions and fires stoked, feel the exhiliration of a life that is TRULY full – and that she knows is hers, because she created it that way. She truly deserves this – and by him not facing what he is fully aware of, is to hold her back for accomplishing this. It’s easy to keep going from day to day and pretend all is well – but he is hurting himself in the deepest way by doing this. And her by impact – the law of cause and effect – The Ripple Effect. Her heart knows what is going on, she knows he does not love her in that way. So be straight with her, let her decide for herself if this is okay for her if she too wants something more. Perhaps there is a better person for her, and he does not “do” it for her anymore either. What if she does not “adore’ him as he believes her to? We can’t always be so sure. She may adore him to the core, but also feel there is something missing.

To say who we are, is to then LIVE out who we say we are …. Why continue to live is the heart is no longer inspired by the place it is in? If a person has given up on being inspired and have one’s desires fuelled and explored to highest heights, then is that not having given up on life?

I laugh because he tells me despite this discontent, he will stay and pretend all is fine – and yet in the next breath tells me that he cannot make promises and give answers because life is uncertain – change is inevitable. A bit of a contradiction I thin. But actually – it’s a safe excuse. I know he is scared. He is just like the author character in the Zahir, and he said it himself, he’s arrogant because he knows he can have any woman, and that he has never suffered rejection. The character has any woman he wants, but at the end realises that the woman he truly wants is the one that inspires him to be all of himself, the one that challenged him to let go and fall into his fear, that knew him so well and saw he was not living out his destiny – that fear of falling completely in love with another – and knowing the risk of not being able to swim out again.

What I am saying is that he (my friend) has finally come face to face with his deepest fear – of falling - deeply into another only to be rejected. This fear has held him back years ago when he decided to be safe and stable, and rather avoid the risk. Life has brought him full circle with himself – his heart wants him to fall off that cliff, to plunge into the depths of another, to discover himself. Opening all of himself and falling into that abyss of another and all his emotions and feelings. Opening himself to ADORE another – and not to only be the adored. Because the truth is, he’s never really enjoyed the adoration, it’s a disguise he’s used for all the these years to protect himself from suffering the possibilities of adoring another to those depths, and never coming out alive again…..

…. And I know he’s scared that the woman he’s starting to fall for is me.

Songs .... a point of reference

our reflections, our nature, mirrored in song .....

1. Fleetwood Mac

" Everybody Finds Out"

"Destiny Rules"

2. Alanis Morissette

"21 Things I Want in a Lover"

"A Man"

3. Feist

"One Evening"

"Leisure Suite "

4. Cafe Del Mar (vol. 6)

"Traveller"

5. Peter Gabriel

"Don't Give Up"

(feat. Kate Bush)

6. Kate Bush

"Sensual World"

(www.deezer.com)

Yes? ... or .... No?

I am taking a huge risk in putting up this entry. But perhaps it is a good thing - it will rattle and shake my cage of comfort and possibly challenge my misconceptions - as I too think I know everything at times. Perhaps it will shake loose some old debris in ways of thinking and allow space for newness and change ... allow some fresh air to breath through and settle into healthier views on things ..... a case of less fear, and more choice ....

"Why women believe we (men) love them."

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/warrioroflight/

(..... oh and just so we're all clear ... I don't ever want to be the kind of woman described in this list - I despise it, and certaoinly don't allow myself to succumb to these illusions now. Thank God!)

....

.....

"...... the soul knows, it always does."

All that I feared has come to pass .....

“Some people can only value what they have, when they endure the experience of loss.”

Discovering true fear
Posted: 18 Jul 2008 06:28 AM CDTPaulo Coehlo

Quote .... that already within reach (21 July 2008)

Quote of the Day

Posted: 14 Jul 2008 05:35 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho


We go out into the world in search of our dreams and ideals.
Often we store away in some inaccessible place what is already there within reach of our hands.

(Maktub)

Journal:

I am quietly aching again, and I recede into a quietness, a space of healing ... I recognise this and somehow its comforting knowing that this phase of the journey has arrived - and yet its still so painful. The gentle throb is constant, a reminder of how much I feel ... and encouragement for me to keep going, telling me that I am only getting stronger from this experience.... the below quote / extract / comment somehow makes me feel better, tells me I'm on the right track no matter how hard it is to say "No, this far and no further. I deserve more than this." ... It tells me how to look after myself, in that coccoon of Self and Unconditional love, to nurture myself back .... as I find the courage to step out and love once more. I read the text below and I remeber that i need to take each day one step at a time - give myself the time I need to find my faith again in love, the thing I trusted and believed in with everyhting that is me .... its defeated for the moment, beaten down ... so just one step at a time......



In search of signs
Posted: 14 Jul 2008 05:39 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho
We may think at times that the only thing life offers us tomorrow, is to repeat everything we did today. But if we pay close attention, we will see that no two days are alike.Each morning brings a hidden blessing; a blessing which is unique to that day, and which cannot be kept or re-used. If we do not use this miracle today, it will be lost.This miracle is in the small things of daily life; we must live in the understanding that at every moment there is a way out of each problem, the way of finding that which is missing, the right clue to the decision which must be taken in order to change our entire future.But how to find the courage for this? As I see it, God speaks to us through signs. It is an individual language which requires faith and discipline in order to be fully absorbed.For example, Saint Augustine was converted in this way. For years he sought - in various philosophical schools - an answer to the meaning of life, until one afternoon, in the garden of his house in Milan, as he reflected on the failure of his search, he heard a child in the street: “Take up and read! Take up and read!”Although he had always been governed by logic, he decided - in an impulse - to open the first book which came to hand. It was the Bible, and he read part of St. Paul which contained the answers he sought. From then on, Augustine’s logic made way for faith to take part in his life, and he went on to become one of the Church’s greatest theologians.The monks of the desert used to say it was important to allow angels to act. Because of this, they occasionally did absurd things - such as talk to flowers or laugh without a reason. The alchemists followed the “signs of God”; clues which often made no sense, but which always lead somewhere.“Modern man tried to eliminate life’s uncertainties and doubts. And in doing so he left his soul dying of hunger; the soul feeds off mysteries” - says the dean of Saint Francis Cathedral.There is a meditation exercise which consists of adding - generally for ten minutes a day - the reasons for each of our actions. For example: “I now read the newspaper to keep myself informed. I now think of such-and-such a person, because the subject I read about lead me to do so. I walked to the door, because I am going out”. And so forth.Buddha called this “conscious attention”. When we see ourselves repeating our ordinary routine, we realize how much wealth surrounds our life. We understand each step, each attitude. We discover important things, and useless thoughts.At the end of a week - discipline is always fundamental - we are more conscious of our faults and distractions, but we also understand that, at times, there was no reason to act the way we did, that we followed our impulses, our intuition; and now we begin to understand this silent language which God uses in order to show us the true path. Call it intuition, signs, instinct, coincidence, any name will do - what matters is that through “conscious attention” we realize that we are often guided to the right decision.And this makes us stronger and more confident.

Symbols & Signs .... silent guides

Free Association : The Sun

Posted: 14 Jul 2008 07:45 AM CDT
Symbols are doors that enable us to enter other universes. They are based in associations and from this week onwards I want to invite you to make a list of free associations based in a symbol that I will post here in the blog.
Today we will talk about the Sun.As you know there have been sun deities throughout history.In Ancient Greece as well as in Egypt, the Sun was portrayed as a masculine God : Apollo, Ra.Yet, in other cultures, such as Japanese and Nordic cultures, the Sun is portrayed as a Goddess. For instance, in Japan, Amaterasu was the sun goddess who was born from the left eye of the primeval being Izanagi. The ruler of the Plain of Heaven, she was the oldest daughter of Izanagi. She hid in a cave until Uzume lured her out, at which time a beam of light, the dawn, escaped.Now, you take the floor : what do you associate with the Sun?

Intimate Proximity: Journal (19th July 2008)

".... you've made a choice to stay where you are right now, the consequence is that you've closed the door on me....... There is responsibility for you take on with this choice of yours, whether you like this or not.... and the impact is that I walk away."



I am free. I am again with myself, intimate in a relationship with me. I know the way I tick, in all spaces that are mine - mentally, emotionally .... sexually. I know the way to touch myself so as to fly to the limits - in all ways - mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually. I access myself more deeply than I have, and yet still remain to experience another do this for me. Despite the general mindset, I believe this is possible - and is necessary - to fully let go into Life. To fully trust the mystical realm that fires our hearts - Its not about asking another to make us happy - its about becoming vulnerable in letting another be inspired by the fullness of our nature - and then letting ourselves be inspired by them. Its about letting go of the belief that Love does not exist - because we all secretly believe this, believe that we are not loveable enough - its this transcendent kind of Love from another that reminds us along the way of who we are, and we leave another enchanted and spellbound merely by who we are.... Is this not incredible? These are the depths to which I live, and want to explore with another. I want to make me happy, and I want to express this fullness through the language of passion and ecstasy to another. And I want him to do the same - to have the courage and strength to never stop, to never give up in finding who he is, and celebrating his discovery with me. I have had many lovers for a good period of time, some have taught me how to reach these spaces and levels of intimacy with myself - I remember their lessons of discovery, in their quest to discover me, and I honour their findings.

I am alone, in a relationship with myself - I am my own friend, companion, guide, lover, and I know that it will take someone of incredible strength of will and character to be able to fill my place, my shoes, of how and what I am for myself.

I am alone again, because another walked away, closed the door on me. I hurt, but I am okay. I am stronger for it. I know the depths of courage that I carry within, deeply engrained into every cell of my body, I know how to dive into the depths of every emotion, letting go into its currents, trusting it to carry me back to the shore. I am scared - often terrified, and yet, I dont stop, don't hold back, each time growing more in awareness, in sight, in understanding the outer most limits of Life - Its absolute fullness. I know what I have to offer and it was not fully appreciated here. I suspect his fear of heights is what holds him back from plunging in deep in the same way, why he chooses as he does now. Why he cannot be with me - he gave up, gave into his fear - paralysed.

I have returned home from a journey that was brief as it was painful. And I find peace and rest being home again, falling back into my embrace. Into arms that will hold me, as I find myself again, mend my heart, release my feelings of rejection, and deep disappointment. And whilst I step gingerly along this path, he is receding into the blurry mists of my past. I know he does not want this, but its time for him to grow up and see that his actions have impacts, make ripples on others, that his final choice means losing me.

I think I'll start to travel now, I feel ready. Take myself on exotic trips - just me, alone. I'll meet lovers along the way, and will leave them behind. I am a sexual being with fiery passion that I need to express and further explore. Only now, I will be honest with my intention from the outset, that passionate intimate physical exploration is all that I am after - that my aim is to leave saturated with satisfaction. I want this, this liberation. No attachments, and tag alongs. no weaknesses in will that I have to carry for the other, I am done with that. This is my time - and those I have left in the past, have all come to realise this in their own time. I know that with time they saw through their veils of insecurity and felt like fools for letting me get away. And I say this with humility - because I really had no idea, until they showed me. Its given me such a different perspective on myself, I've learned about what I want, that I didn't know before, and they certainly guided me to this point, this understanding of myself.

I'm on my own journey again, its often lonely, and I miss feeling another's touch, another's breath against my ear, my cheek, another's warmth in naked flesh. I miss this. But I sacrifice myself too much for other's seeing their possibility before they have seen it for themselves, and I am not Fate or Destiny, and so do not have the same vision and sight into future mists. I do not know when their awakening will happen - their truthful discovery unfold, so I walk away, sad at knowing who they are, before they do, sad at knowing that there is nothing I can do - they have to get there themselves. It has been the same each time. And only after have they each realised how deep my belief in them was, how much of them I really knew - like no other. I carry each of them tenderly in my heart now as I watched for years after, from a distance, how they unfolded into their Self and have found peace and contentment there. There is such joy that sits deep in my belly when watching the circle come full. And then I leave, and move onto another place, another time - content in the closure of our spirits contracts. Whether aware of it or not, I know we both feel that gentle wind of change blow when the final chapter closes, despite not being in the same town, or having spoken since the intial break. The soul knows, it always knows.

Letter (17th July 2008)

Dear Love,


This journey is hard. A real test of our strength and the truth of the love we have for the other, or don't ....

I believe now that perhaps the test we're being put to is this:
In finding a way to be selfless
when the other weakens,
to support the other in these times
and remind him/her of the terms of contract
made with one's self
in honour of one's self.

And to not let the other compromise on this, before thinking of our self....

I want to be this for you - and would ask that you be the same for me? Do you hold such strength of will and heart? Do I?

I do not know why we were thrown together in a way such as this. At times it feels like a cruel game played by the gods. With extreme and unpredictable moments of luscious lazy days, sweet smelling scents of pleasure, and ruthless storminess....

Is our endurance being tested, challenged, pushed to its limits, in preparation for a later time - I do not know (as much as my heart wishes for this, yet knows this to be futile - it is not possible) ....

So we'll just need to ride along the current of the present with only the horizon of now visible to our eyes. And each trust our own inner guide to show us the right way .....

xxx

The Face of Love

The Face of Love


So innocently did I
Go into the space of us
It was just a short while ago that I asked
To come to know
To meet and be acquainted with
To be introduced to
the Unconditional
face of Love

I read the book
“The Obsession”
And through the words
of the passionate painter’s
storyweaving
I came to know
The Source
The Essence
Of Love Divine
And knew its what I wanted

Its what I want
And now I have
Hope to live for

I’ve loved no other
Like this
As I do you
And as I reflect on the days
The weeks
that have been
I fondly remind myself
That everytime my heart squeezes from
missing you
It’s the window through which I can look and see
And remember
Just how much you still mean to me
How deeply I will love you
Always
In this lifetime
Into the next

I’ve loved before
Deeply
Passionately
But not like this
Not where
My palms now stay open
With such tenderness
In willing you to take off
And fly
To discover your destiny
Wherever that may be

I now know that -
As I watch through the window -
There are no conditions in the love that lives here
Only Love itself
Unmasked
And eternal
Untamed
And infinite

And I know that
My hands will always carry you in their palms
And I’ll always be watching
the paths you tread into the ground
the directions you choose to explore
the ways you choose to grow

I know that
by my walking away
I am the closest yet
To you
that I have ever been
For the space I’ve given to me
Is the space I’ve given to you
For us to breathe,
to live,
to be
whole

There will always be a space
In waiting
In case
But not in desperation
With glistening eyes
I’ll look to see how you are doing
And when the smile
crosses your face
I’ll know to pack
the space away

I am at peace
And I’ve lived my fairytale story
Chapter One
- The Zahir -
Just a moment ago
Into now
To continue
to tomorrow

I can rest
In knowing I have arrived
At the door
Of Love’s Wisdom
I have finally met
the face of the love
that I have for you
and Her nature
is Unconditional



14th July 2008
for ....
“I love you unconditionally, through nature and space and time.”

Journal

14th July 2008

I've been let down again. Its inevitable. I got too excited. I felt too much, again. I've made another mistake again. Like a fool I let myself go, thinking that this was a possibility...I am a fool. Again, I will pick myself up, and I will walk again. My heart is lonely. I am okay with myself, I have spent many years excavating to rediscover the little girl that was before all the painful events started to play out - and I've found her. I know her bubbly giggles that gurgle from deep in her belly. I know her spontaneity of deep loving affection, she just lives tolove those around her, her sudden bursts of excitement at the simple wonders in the world - a leaf falling in a slow descent in Autumn, the faintest of breezes brushing against her cheeck and the smile of peace that spreads across her face in response, a spider inconspicuously climbing its web, a lizard scuttling along the bricks trying to escape the playful grips of a cat's paw - I know this wonder. She is me - I found her, after a very long search. I misseed her terribly, I abandoned all to find her again. .... and I love her (this little girl who is me) dearly. I am content with the woman that is me. And now my heart is wanting a Love, an intimate one. Those older in age (but I think not so much wise) all tell me the same thing - 'you have to be content with yourself, someone else can't be that for you" - do you see me wondering the earth in search of myself? Do you see me flitting from one place to the next never settling long enough to make a home? Do you hear me saying i don't know what to do with my life - lost? I think not - quite the contrary in fact. I see these "elders" back, and its them I see as lost, and discontent, and not knowing themselves ... but its so easy to get caught up in the illsuion of physical age. ..... No, I just love too much, too deeply, too infinitely - and it seems the other can't match me in return. I can't think what else it can be. Perhaps I will only find a match outside of the earthly plane....I thought I had found it - I should have listened and taken in what I was told from the start, and I didn't, I know that I didn't - I didn't want to. He said he'd already met his match. That was my downfalling. I'm too sore right now to be anywhere else. I think I'll just sit for a while with the pain, the disappoinment, and grieve a love lost, died. And when I'm ready I'll move on again. But for now, I'm just going to quietly sit with this ache - of having lost the greatest love I have yet felt, that has ever breathed through me. The blessing is that I learn the incredible capacity of my heart more and more each time, but each one that I Love, seems to not be able to get it - perhaps its too much - like Moses meeting God on the mountain - he would have been destroyed had he seen God's true form. I don't want to hold back. I want to give expression to my soul, my nature, my heart - I want to share who I am from my very depths, and I want to wrap the other in this blanket called Me. I don't want to keep it to myself - I life with my love each and every day - why can I not celebrate it? Its for me to share - its an expression of Spirit - the Spirit's language and medium of creativity is Love - and yet people seem not to see this. To see that magic, to feel their essence in this mystical wording, powerful creative expression. He speaks of his language and its ancient life with awe, yet does not see that its mysticism is just the same as the most ancient of languages.... Can I not too have my dreams come true? Am I not also worthy of that? I think I am. Just because I strive to Love more greatly than others may, does not mean I cannot do so .... I don't understand him then, why he, and all the others, wouldn't want this. I'm left befuddled......Its very sad that it was just a fleeting moment - it was so fast - and then gone. There was not enough time for the seed to take route. The soil go errodedand the seed was lifted and carried elsewhere. for the time being it will lay still - I guess - I'm not sure where its gone, I'm not inclined to look for it right now. My heart is just too sore, and I just don't understand, and am too confused ... I don't get him, and I don't get this - and possibly I never will.

Cold (14th July 2008)

...... The cold set in

again last night

its been a while

since we last

sat and reminisced

about life

about

death

its possibilities

ways of going

of moving on

i did not hear it come in

but rather

"heard" it move around me

and close in

but just a hint

the iciness

numbness

i have felt before was not there

in as full a force

thank God

but the despondency was

and it knew of my deep tiredness

my endless sadness

for too well

too long

i have known that despair

i crumpled on the floor

i gave up

and let flight

to all the ways

i'd say goodbye

or not

i wondered if there were things

i'd yet to "clean"

to settle

but all is well

(save for my debt)

(save for that pending conversation with my brother;

but that's neither here nor there;

should it never happen

he will learn elsewhere)

my affairs with blood ties

are strong

are well

i think i'd say just one goodbye ....

much strength it takes

to drag myself back into life

to find the motivation

stamina

reason

and its chores

to wash up

and routinely do the sleeping thing

eyes puffed

and sinuses aching

from too much

sobbing

weeping

crying

You have no idea

how you have been a part of this

and will be for a while

how much i have sacrificed

for you

you just won't know

because you don't want to

and its okay

you live in your dream world of

cushioned emotional comfort

its safer there

than out here in the wild

icy winds

of severity

intensity

extremes

blow relentless

you probably couldn't handle it anyway

you don't have what it takes

the courage of heart

the inner strength of steel

i'll just leave you by the wayside instead

and continue to explore

every hard

rough

volatile

niche and corner of this landscape

called Life

with its cutting rocks

and blinding storms

once again a lone explorer

the illusion

is that all is well

and happy and oh so lovely

and you're all just empty

i think you should stay with them

its safer that way

neater

i've tried to show you
but its not my place
this isn't the first time
i've crossed the borders
into foreign territory
where i was not permitted
and i did with you
i picked you up
and carried you in my arms
to all the places
you've needed to see
i've handed you all the texts and scripts
that you will need
all out of the deepest love
and caring
for who you're yet to become

only in years yet

will you know

what you were given

your ego clouds your sight for now

this desert of ice

i've crunchd through before

will i make it -

i never know -

"if its my time, its my time"

if i make it,

it will have been without you.

and at some point

you too will suffer

and you'll not be prepared

you'll ache

excruciatingly

and you'll learn of

what you missed

what you lost

and may never

get back again

and I am sorry that it is this way.

.... The Last Word (13th July 2008)

…. The Last Word


Perhaps I am naïve

Yet something tells me this is not so
That the clarity with which I just saw
what I did
Is in fact true

That a moment ago
I thought you were the one
with all the bravery
Far more brave than I
Able to sit and listen and be
with all that was flowing out of me

yet,
when I asked if my starting
a new journey alone
without you
caused any suffering?
You answered “no”

….and yet I do not think
That this is so.

I am careful these days
to not get hopes and truths
mixed up
to not get what may be secret agendas
to colour my actions
and drive them
to colour my sensings
and confirm them

So for a moment I pushed what I saw
away
And yet It came back
And gently beckoned me to see

That the one who is brave is not you
But is me
That perhaps
My shifting into your Life’s Path
Was to shake you awake
From your complacent sleep
The Divine
Wants you to stop
And see
That you’re not seeing
what you should be

You excuse yourself with ”I’m lazy”
But its not true
You are a warrior
Who is scared
On his heart to follow through

What if my coming
Has been to let you see
That there is a world
A chance
Possibility
That somewhere you gave up on
And are too scared to look for again
That “content”
Is another excuse you use
To hold back the challenge reins

You say you do not suffer
I know this is not true
I know you suffer deeply
But to admit
to losing one so closely dear
just too damn near
to the warrior of you
Is to see
That you’re not living your Possibility


What if I came to shimmer
A glimpse
of what you want
- the truth inside your Self -
What you’ve wanted all your life
but have been too scared
to live out.

(13th July 2008)

Traveller (13th July 2008)

Traveller


There is no more left here for me
My giving is spent
And there is nothing for you to give in return
That can sustain me
nourish me
The way that I need
There hasn’t been
For a while
(perhaps there never was)
But I held on,
To the hope that it would change
That this had a possibility of life

My loving
In all the ways that I have sent it out
I see
Is flowing into a nothingness
A black hole

The rarest of jewels I carried in my outstretched hands
With complete and utter love
Devotion
So willingly wanting to give away
to you,
Now have no home
I think they never did

I see them sinking to the bottom
of an abyss
The bed of the ocean floor
Where there is just darkness
Infinite …. never-ending …
never breaking …
No life dwells there
Only loneliness
Their sparkle
Will never shine
They’ve had no chance to show
all of their glow
they only glinted on their gradual floating down
as the light caught them ever so slightly
while receding
just possibilities of what they hold


My heart once soared till not very long ago
flying with excitement
at a possibility
Of having found what I was looking for
Have been seeking for so long
But reality has dawned in
Its rays have filtered through the Veil of Illusion
That’s been wrapped round my senses
I’ve had no choice but to lift it and see
How things really are

My role has ended
In this play
I have left this stage
My silhouette sunk into the shadows of the wings
And I am swallowed up by the anonymity
of the backstage
My make-up I have removed
No traces left
And I’ve gone through the exit door

I leave you standing now
With your character to play out
In whichever way you will
Your choices waiting patiently for you
There on the wooden floor
Under the gazing lights
- for you to choose your next lines
Your dialogue
Your gestures
To support your role
You will create by your choices the direction
In which your play will go

But I am no longer a part
of that dialogue
that script
My role ended last night


Having learnt from my past
I am walking new steps into my sands
Realising
That nothing will change
I will shrivel and dry out
(as I feel I am now)
With my endless giving
Endless flowing out of my spirit
if I stay
And there will never be the same flowing back
into me

I need to seek Life
Once more
I am not finding it here
Not like this
I said before what it is
I Want
With all my heart
And now I see it is also what
I Need

You cannot give me this
There are changes that would need to happen
And I don’t see this taking place
Not now
Not ever

Life is calling me to the place I need to be
Where Life flows
And Breathes back into one’s soul
When one is spent
And tired

I travel alone now
Once more
In seek
Of my True Desire
My only Real Dream
the kind of Love that is my Destiny
Knowing nothing less will do


I’m not sure how I leave
But you won’t hear me
I just won’t be there anymore.


(13 July 2008)

...when you finish The Zahir, you will better understand.

you Leave me High and Dry (06th July 2008)

You leave me high and dry
Just as the other did
Not so long ago
And it hurts
And I cry

Too many
Expectations I had
(it must be this)
Your age
Spelled maturity
Your individual
Spelled insight

And I thought in the space
Of intimate
Physical loving
These traits would be the same

And I was wrong
There is still so much for the male world to learn
Of loving a woman
Intimately
The he’s of the world
Are so young in their “knowledge”
And so naïve – thinking “the bigger, the better”
And yet

It is but the opposite
And they have been told this, but they will not listen
Cannot
For that would be to surrender
Beyond themselves
Its just too much to ask

And so women
Like myself -
Are left high and dry -
Passionate
Sensual
We’re left with the keys to whole new realms
But with no man brave enough to go with

You are like all the others
I thought you weren’t
And when questioned?
It meant nothing to you
My needs
My desires
Meant nothing to you
They were all just left
high and dry

You got what you wanted
A quick feeling
of ecstasy through the loins,
several times you said.
My body was a convenient vehicle
for you to meet your own pleasures

You forget
That I am not an object
I too come in human form
And have tender places that need touching
Needing to reach their points of release
You left me high and dry
Like I’m some whore
And I cry

I didn’t want you to be just like him
Or them
I wanted so much more for you
To be seen as everything
in my eyes
(as I’ve been seeing you from the start)
But you chose a different route
And you’ve so suddenly become
a jerk –
just like him,
and all the others,
who just don’t give damn -
About the space they leave the other
Feminine counterpart in.

Somehow
Despite all your insightfulness
Into great worldly issues
There is one that towers above all of these
And you have shown you know nothing of
Or very little -
This is where you fall down
You are lost -
That you too need the feminine force
to move through you

But you all deny this
and leave a trail of hurt debris
behind you
too afraid to look back
at the mess you’ve made
you close off and keep walking
destined to repeat it all again
because you just won’t stop
and listen.

You seem to think
I get some enjoyment out of this
That I sacrifice my body regularly
In my own little naïve way
…….
You know nothing of me then
For my ties of loyalty are strong
My sense of honour
to myself
and the other
runs deep into the bowels of Mother Earth
……
So think again.

I AM disappointed
I cannot deny
I laid my trust
Out like a vastly spread tablecloth
Thinking that you would truly look out for me
In that
I guess I was naïve
Should I change?
No
To retreat and become closed and selfish
like all the others
in the world
Would already be to be like them ….

Did I make a mistake?
Yes
I thought you were different.

And so I must ask you this –
Are you too like them?
I truly thought you weren’t …
Where did I lose sight?
Get it wrong?
Go blind?

Or did I just believe in you too much
Perhaps this is it.

You see
Dear one
I am a woman
But not just any
I am both young and old
Spirit and soul
Masculine and feminine
Fire and gentle sensuality
Perhaps
I was just too much for you …
Like I was just too much for the other.

Remember
Part of being this woman
Is for her to be open
In her ways
In her heart
She does not shy away
From the furies of this existence
But she does FEEL
She felt for you – too deeply, too tenderly …
As it now seems.

You do not seem to understand
that the language
of such a woman
as I
is truly spoken in the acts of intimate love.
If only you had waited,
Shown patience
and disciplined your ego
you may have come to know a world not yet known to you
and
you would have truly met me.