Intimate Proximity: Journal (19th July 2008)

".... you've made a choice to stay where you are right now, the consequence is that you've closed the door on me....... There is responsibility for you take on with this choice of yours, whether you like this or not.... and the impact is that I walk away."



I am free. I am again with myself, intimate in a relationship with me. I know the way I tick, in all spaces that are mine - mentally, emotionally .... sexually. I know the way to touch myself so as to fly to the limits - in all ways - mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually. I access myself more deeply than I have, and yet still remain to experience another do this for me. Despite the general mindset, I believe this is possible - and is necessary - to fully let go into Life. To fully trust the mystical realm that fires our hearts - Its not about asking another to make us happy - its about becoming vulnerable in letting another be inspired by the fullness of our nature - and then letting ourselves be inspired by them. Its about letting go of the belief that Love does not exist - because we all secretly believe this, believe that we are not loveable enough - its this transcendent kind of Love from another that reminds us along the way of who we are, and we leave another enchanted and spellbound merely by who we are.... Is this not incredible? These are the depths to which I live, and want to explore with another. I want to make me happy, and I want to express this fullness through the language of passion and ecstasy to another. And I want him to do the same - to have the courage and strength to never stop, to never give up in finding who he is, and celebrating his discovery with me. I have had many lovers for a good period of time, some have taught me how to reach these spaces and levels of intimacy with myself - I remember their lessons of discovery, in their quest to discover me, and I honour their findings.

I am alone, in a relationship with myself - I am my own friend, companion, guide, lover, and I know that it will take someone of incredible strength of will and character to be able to fill my place, my shoes, of how and what I am for myself.

I am alone again, because another walked away, closed the door on me. I hurt, but I am okay. I am stronger for it. I know the depths of courage that I carry within, deeply engrained into every cell of my body, I know how to dive into the depths of every emotion, letting go into its currents, trusting it to carry me back to the shore. I am scared - often terrified, and yet, I dont stop, don't hold back, each time growing more in awareness, in sight, in understanding the outer most limits of Life - Its absolute fullness. I know what I have to offer and it was not fully appreciated here. I suspect his fear of heights is what holds him back from plunging in deep in the same way, why he chooses as he does now. Why he cannot be with me - he gave up, gave into his fear - paralysed.

I have returned home from a journey that was brief as it was painful. And I find peace and rest being home again, falling back into my embrace. Into arms that will hold me, as I find myself again, mend my heart, release my feelings of rejection, and deep disappointment. And whilst I step gingerly along this path, he is receding into the blurry mists of my past. I know he does not want this, but its time for him to grow up and see that his actions have impacts, make ripples on others, that his final choice means losing me.

I think I'll start to travel now, I feel ready. Take myself on exotic trips - just me, alone. I'll meet lovers along the way, and will leave them behind. I am a sexual being with fiery passion that I need to express and further explore. Only now, I will be honest with my intention from the outset, that passionate intimate physical exploration is all that I am after - that my aim is to leave saturated with satisfaction. I want this, this liberation. No attachments, and tag alongs. no weaknesses in will that I have to carry for the other, I am done with that. This is my time - and those I have left in the past, have all come to realise this in their own time. I know that with time they saw through their veils of insecurity and felt like fools for letting me get away. And I say this with humility - because I really had no idea, until they showed me. Its given me such a different perspective on myself, I've learned about what I want, that I didn't know before, and they certainly guided me to this point, this understanding of myself.

I'm on my own journey again, its often lonely, and I miss feeling another's touch, another's breath against my ear, my cheek, another's warmth in naked flesh. I miss this. But I sacrifice myself too much for other's seeing their possibility before they have seen it for themselves, and I am not Fate or Destiny, and so do not have the same vision and sight into future mists. I do not know when their awakening will happen - their truthful discovery unfold, so I walk away, sad at knowing who they are, before they do, sad at knowing that there is nothing I can do - they have to get there themselves. It has been the same each time. And only after have they each realised how deep my belief in them was, how much of them I really knew - like no other. I carry each of them tenderly in my heart now as I watched for years after, from a distance, how they unfolded into their Self and have found peace and contentment there. There is such joy that sits deep in my belly when watching the circle come full. And then I leave, and move onto another place, another time - content in the closure of our spirits contracts. Whether aware of it or not, I know we both feel that gentle wind of change blow when the final chapter closes, despite not being in the same town, or having spoken since the intial break. The soul knows, it always knows.