A Good Chardonnay (29 June 2008)

A Good Chardonnay


As a good Chardonnay
I drink you in
Through my eyes and my sense
Filtering you through my pores
into my soul

I take a sip
You slide down my throat
with ease and stillness
No acidity and sharpness
Detected
Only peace and tranquillity
I am content

As your warmth eases into my body
My blood
You warm me all over
Your liquid language
Speaks and flows through my cells
Your essence
Heating mine to the slowest simmer
A gradual igniting
Of recognition
Of likenesses

I want to take you home
With me
And age you by my side
Then savour you at chance moments
Delighting in your change
Your maturing
Your discovering of self
Over time

Seeing my own surprise
While discovering your uniqueness
more and more
An ever mystery
Always to be discovered,
and yet never known

As a good Chardonnay
you are a masterpiece
unto your own
and never to be repeated,
so I’ll savour every taste
sip every drop
while this bottle is near.

I Quietly Love you (15 May 2008)

… I look forward to each day
Of stepping into the dark of the office
From the brightness of the sun
Knowing you will look up
And wait
For me to say “hi”
So you can say
“hi”
- and if I don’t you make sure I do
- and I’m moved
- for this that you do

I see you enter our side office
To phaff about
Trying to look busy
Collecting a mug
Or a dish
For your interestingly timed snacks
Those oh so interesting
Bachelor style snacks –
I know you’re missing that
we’ve not yet connected for the day
I know this
Because I feel and miss it too
And when you do this
I remember what I feel for
And I’m so sure you feel this for me too

You walk me to my car
When the night is dark
And work has gone on late
I notice
You seem to do this only with me
I notice how once,
My car was safe
And I‘d be safe getting to it
Yet still
You walked me part the way
I watched you
Watching me, seeing to my wellbeing
And my heart squeezed
And my soul breathed
Into its depths
With my tenderness for you
I Breath in your silent love for me too.

….. we quietly dance our dance
For the other
Each day
In the professional moments
We share in work
And I think it need not be spoken
We look into the other’s eyes
And there’s a knowing
There’s no surprise
Of that unspoken realm
That certainly exists
Between our hearts
Where our souls share this bliss.

The Warrior of Light Knows That ... (13 June 2008)

The Warrior of Light knows that....

no man is an island ...
the words of wisdom say,
and at first I wonder at the significance of this,
not finding them
anywhere
inside or out.....

and then, they appear
in feeling
and circumstance
and in looking back amongst my filings
of clever words
and electronic quotes
I find this one -
once premonition,
now manifestation

so here we are
you're a man who thinks he's an island
and the closer I get
the more distance you create
I wonder why - I cannot comprehend
and the question
still drifts aimlessly
in this garden of my mind
my heart

I try to understand
your reasoning
and I don't

...and it hurts....

......instead you just keep pushing me away ....

Not Everything’s About Me

(he has taught me once again)

So I’m experiencing a space of idiocy it seems. I was impulsive and curious yesterday and read entries from a former lover’s web-journal…only to be completely taken aback at severe heartache that he had openly shared and his rawness exposed onto his blog. I am so stupid. I read them over and over, trying to get to grips with what he was saying, and then, I admit, thinking that perhaps it was me who he was talking about. But the months have passed since we last spoke – we haven’t made contact since mid-January this year – and these entries were early to mid-May. The logic tells me he fell in love again, and for that I am so glad. Yet, from what I remember of him, he was never one to just fall into something – as impulsively romantic as he was – and a complete romantic he was / is (I think), but I just didn’t realise how much. He warned me at the time that his mind is fleeting and he’s a daydreamer with his head in the clouds. I didn’t completely comprehend, and I didn’t want him to be that – because it made me scared, I wanted strength of mind – groundedness – I think this was probably the starting point of my unravelling in security in our relationship….but I need to let go now, with peace, and tenderness.

I left a comment on his blog to the entries he wrote – just one comment though – didn’t want to overdo it or invade. Perhaps it was not a good idea, but I really wanted to tell him how incredible his writing has become. It was so clinical and impersonal before – saturated with intellect, and I knew that underneath was the greatest heart that yearned to be heard, to speak all that it had to say – well, his heart speaks now, with gushing passion and overwhelming honesty. It’s so very very REAL – he is so very real in every single word…. I think this is what got me the most, was the realness with which he has transformed himself, expressing this through his beautiful talent - his writing. I could see him in my mind, and hear him speak those words, and it moved me so. I think of him with tenderness … just that.

(09 June 2008)

"Taking Courage ... and writing again " (08 June 2008)

"I step gingerly onto the next step of the Path, and this one holds the choice to not play Second Best....."

I think the tears may just start splashing down my cheeks as I wrench the courage to write here again. I tried a month or so ago, and I couldn't keep it up. I couldn't. I shied away ....

I write because I have to. I have to spill my inner world out somewhere and these pages are the only space I seem to have/make my voice heard, people, just have too much of their own rawness to deal with it seems, nowadays anyway. So I write. I'll admit I've been very scared of coming back here. For a while I've reminisced back to December, remebering how I spoke and spoke into and onto my blog to get through what I needed to ... and the more I spoke, the more I discovered about me and the more strength I seemed to find within - I had no idea I was or am like that. I discovered a person that I've dreamed of being my whole life and somehow was prevented from accessing ... and then life happened and I got all excited and let this communion with myself slide - I let myself slide away from me.


I am here again to work through another episode, life's full of them. I struggle to start with these first moments. Faced with a blank page, its like being faced with a blank canvas when you're about to paint, and you know you really want to, but you're terrified that you can't paint anymore and it's all just going to be one big disaster. This is exactly how I felt when faced with the whitest canvas last Sunday - so I did something, anything. I chose the limest green I could mix together - which turned out greener than I thought because the sidelamp was on and so the vivdness was lost. Anyway, I took the first step, and today I take the second - I'll start to paint the main subject .... and I take the first as well, the point of this entry.



I got curious and so I went to take a sneak at his blog, I haven't done this for months. I read what is there, and it seems he is too and still trying to make sense of things, the world, just as I am. I read a bit and was amazed at how I immediately assumed that somehow what he wrote about involved me. This thought also occurred a few days ago where I caught myself getting inextricably intertwined in others (family) "stuff". I walked away feeling hurt and dissappointed and angry. So I read his words - two different entries and the one really hit home. Before I sat down to "stream my consciousness" I realised what I have been doing for the past month - I have been allowing myself to be second best in another's life. I did this once before and I was devastated. I felt raw after all was done. Confusion has been the theme of the past few weeks and I've been stumbling through the thick and tangled forest, tripping my way through, trying to make some sense of a path, and finding none. And just when I think I may have one in sight, it dissappears just as soon as it "appeared". So I stumble on some more, and finally sit down and cry. Spent and confused and feeling infuriated with the whole thing, and Life. I argued with life yesterday and made it quite clear that this time, it was not my doing. I drew a line making it clear that I followed the rules and obeyed my heart and my inner guide in the decisions I made and the path I chose to follow 3 months back. And this was a cruel game played by the gods. I still believe this and see the Universe as having to clean up this one -at least the situation that it threw my way. The thing for me to clean up is letting myself slip this far into the role of second best. It has not gone all the way, but I have work to do there...



His words seemed to sooth this realisation of mine somewhat and I am grateful for that. I remember both our gentleness and think that perhaps we're both timid entites that are too often taken for granted by the world around us. Its sad that we somehow have to protect ourselves even more from the one's we love, than others do. And yet, it seems its the only way for us to stay centred inside, so as not to question ourselves so much, and still keep loving deeply, intensely and sacredly the way that we do because that's who we are and its what we do inherently. I so badly want to connect with the world with the intensity and intimacy with which I experience it and myself - but so far it seems to result in excruciating pain and rawness each time I venture out. And then I'm left feeling despondent, and I don't want that because I'm a believer....and that seems to be my weakness, that I see the person's soul, I see them as they exist beyond their physical form, I see their potential, before I see their humaness - in the present. I guess one could say, before I see reality.

I think my mistake is that I see and believe in possibility first, its the poitn from where I start, and only see reality second, and this is where my expectations creep in. I tend to work backwards, starting with the goal, without stopping to assess the person's abilities and reaching a reaslisitc conlcusion based on the latter. I expect the person to BE who I see they are capable of being, forgetting that they have their own path to journey along to get there, and then when my expectations aren't fulfilled, I'm dissapppointed, and I don't understand what happened, and where it all went wrong, and neither do they. That's not very fair, to neither of us, myself or them. And so I start over, again.



Phew! Thats a mind-awakening. I saw this at work the other day. I don't want to stop believing in people's unique possibility though, there' too little belief in the world as it is - I think I just have to find a way of balancing what I "see", with the present reality. .....



He wrote, "If you don't take your principles seriously, you don't take yourself seriously, and nobody else will " ...



He is right. Its good to be in a space where I can say I am grateful for him teaching me something. Its good to feel humility and see that I can take away in my heart some of his greatness. I can see how big the both of our heart's are - we just want to love the world with everything we have - but to do this successfully without compromising ourselves. I still haven't figured out how to do this, it still gets me every time.



So I'm reminded of my principles, and the experiences in my past where I lost sight of them. Perhaps that is the forest - me and my principles - and that up till now by playing second best, I have lost sight of myself and my principles, hence the thickened foliage blocking my view, I put the foliage there. Its time to clear it, and recreate my view; returning to being only the best, for myself and my heart, because that is what I deserve and owe to myself ... and then to allow only those who uphold the same act ...

But right now, he doesn't treat me or see me with this level of respect, for him I am second best, and it seems to suit him for me to be this for he doesn't walk away. I wish he was a bigger person and could initiate the closure. It saddens me because once again, I believed he was more than this, that he had it in him to be more than this, and it appears that I was wrong, that again I have made a mistake... I was a fool who merely believed in the greatness of another. I believed that he wanted to see his life as it truely is, but I'm not sure that he's ready yet, or maybe I'm the one with blindspots. Either way, I humbly accept this. And, I will be the bigger person and quietly step away. I will quietly extricate myself from this role, and this situation. I will see reality in the present, to do something else is to play the fool again. And though I may view life with innocence and naivete at times, it is always through the eyes of a child. But a repeated fool I am not, especially in learning the ways of Respect towards one's Self. ... In this case, I know he is more naive than I, in that he has let his fear get the better of him, in that he is too scared to remove the veil, to take a closer look at Love, his Love, and perhaps to jump - but to expect that of another, is not fair. It is only my responsibility towards myself to never let Fear get the better of me - I do not have permission to expect another to follow my ways - they have ways of their own.

He has ways of his own, and they are clearly not the same as mine.