Not Everything’s About Me
(he has taught me once again)
So I’m experiencing a space of idiocy it seems. I was impulsive and curious yesterday and read entries from a former lover’s web-journal…only to be completely taken aback at severe heartache that he had openly shared and his rawness exposed onto his blog. I am so stupid. I read them over and over, trying to get to grips with what he was saying, and then, I admit, thinking that perhaps it was me who he was talking about. But the months have passed since we last spoke – we haven’t made contact since mid-January this year – and these entries were early to mid-May. The logic tells me he fell in love again, and for that I am so glad. Yet, from what I remember of him, he was never one to just fall into something – as impulsively romantic as he was – and a complete romantic he was / is (I think), but I just didn’t realise how much. He warned me at the time that his mind is fleeting and he’s a daydreamer with his head in the clouds. I didn’t completely comprehend, and I didn’t want him to be that – because it made me scared, I wanted strength of mind – groundedness – I think this was probably the starting point of my unravelling in security in our relationship….but I need to let go now, with peace, and tenderness.
I left a comment on his blog to the entries he wrote – just one comment though – didn’t want to overdo it or invade. Perhaps it was not a good idea, but I really wanted to tell him how incredible his writing has become. It was so clinical and impersonal before – saturated with intellect, and I knew that underneath was the greatest heart that yearned to be heard, to speak all that it had to say – well, his heart speaks now, with gushing passion and overwhelming honesty. It’s so very very REAL – he is so very real in every single word…. I think this is what got me the most, was the realness with which he has transformed himself, expressing this through his beautiful talent - his writing. I could see him in my mind, and hear him speak those words, and it moved me so. I think of him with tenderness … just that.
(09 June 2008)
(he has taught me once again)
So I’m experiencing a space of idiocy it seems. I was impulsive and curious yesterday and read entries from a former lover’s web-journal…only to be completely taken aback at severe heartache that he had openly shared and his rawness exposed onto his blog. I am so stupid. I read them over and over, trying to get to grips with what he was saying, and then, I admit, thinking that perhaps it was me who he was talking about. But the months have passed since we last spoke – we haven’t made contact since mid-January this year – and these entries were early to mid-May. The logic tells me he fell in love again, and for that I am so glad. Yet, from what I remember of him, he was never one to just fall into something – as impulsively romantic as he was – and a complete romantic he was / is (I think), but I just didn’t realise how much. He warned me at the time that his mind is fleeting and he’s a daydreamer with his head in the clouds. I didn’t completely comprehend, and I didn’t want him to be that – because it made me scared, I wanted strength of mind – groundedness – I think this was probably the starting point of my unravelling in security in our relationship….but I need to let go now, with peace, and tenderness.
I left a comment on his blog to the entries he wrote – just one comment though – didn’t want to overdo it or invade. Perhaps it was not a good idea, but I really wanted to tell him how incredible his writing has become. It was so clinical and impersonal before – saturated with intellect, and I knew that underneath was the greatest heart that yearned to be heard, to speak all that it had to say – well, his heart speaks now, with gushing passion and overwhelming honesty. It’s so very very REAL – he is so very real in every single word…. I think this is what got me the most, was the realness with which he has transformed himself, expressing this through his beautiful talent - his writing. I could see him in my mind, and hear him speak those words, and it moved me so. I think of him with tenderness … just that.
(09 June 2008)
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