Being Your Word

So this is the low-down…..

I did the right thing, I know this. But it doesn’t make it any easier – in fact it actually diminishes the numbness and allows the pain to surface even more – perhaps this is better, to allow it the space to breathe, to face the air of forgiveness and the chance to release and free – itself and me ….

It was not too long ago that I learned the following – to be Your Word, the Word that stands at the core of who you are, and holds the Essence of who you are. The concept at the time was quite if not completely foreign. And I know that for most sitting in the room with me at the time – it went straight over their heads. I was suspicious at first – very aware of the fragile state of my mind and knew that I had to tread very carefully in the space of my cerebral garden and pick carefully the concepts / thoughts and philosophies that I wanted to allow to take seed therein.

It took a month or so for the essence of what this course was trying to say to really sink in. I was very diligent in protecting myself from getting caught up in the hype. I knew that I was there for a reason – to get closure on the past in a particular area in my life where this course was directly involved, but to also walk away with something new and enlightening for me – for my growth. I did walk away with this. I was brave enough to walk away from the course and all those involved as well at the time – because what I learned – the essence – blew my world apart. And in keeping with this new found knowledge that wasn’t any longer just comprehended in my head, but I soon realized was in fact already a part of me – it was/is a principle that has always been a part of me – it is inherently in my nature.

I came to understand the power of the energy expressed from our bodies – be it in the form of words, actions, thoughts. I came to realise the potency contained in these things – and to comprehend the level of profound creativity that is contained in each of these moments of expression - the magic being in that through these energetic expressions – we are expressing our spirit, our essence – in all of its trueness … BE YOUR WORD … the ancient cultures such as the Aboriginals understood this through their “songlines”; the Jewish understood it through their Mysticism; that this potent energy dwells with US and it is from here – deep in the belly of our spirit – that creation in fact starts – it is that concentrated life force, a mysterious magic that is the nature of our source, the fabric of our spirit – and the power held in our choices – it is through action and words and thoughts that we creatively give expression to life – and so ourselves – our nature – who we are, and essentially choose to be.

It has been long and hard in embracing this way of living out into every moment of my existence. And I don’t always get it right I think … I trip and fall and scrape myself, but each time I always try to find a way to pick myself up and keep going … And this is what carries me through now in this most recent and VERY powerful decision (thought) that I have taken, just two nights ago… the decision to leave a space because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be honouring who I am, who I stand for, for myself and for those I love.

You see in being my word, I have to act out and express the essence of who I am, and that entails living out and standing for my core values, my deepest being in spirit. The integrity of the one I love is at stake right now, his honesty towards himself, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I reached a crossroads where I was left to either continue living in his space where he is being this for himself and watch him go against his essence and deepest values, and hurt himself – or I could sacrifice our togetherness in the name of honouring who I truly believe him to be, and so place myself in the position where I know I can say I stood up for the both of us – in the name of Love. I couldn’t live that lie with him anymore. My heart is so achingly sore, my mind is distracted, but my spirit is clean and pure – like crystal ocean waters – the salt stings like mad!!! – but I know I stood for Us, for the pureness of our hearts and who we both truly want to be. I want to see him live out the foundation that lies and supports him from deep within, but I can only hope that he will find the courage to do this …. I’m not sure if he’s up for it. And, I’m not sure he’ll ever understand what and why I did what I did. And, I know he does not understand what he really has and does mean to me …. And it is okay, because I suppose its only me who needs to understand at the end of it all …. Hey?

I once said to him that the most important way of being true to oneself is having the courage to be true to one’s heart, one’s spirit – even when who we’re living as in the outside world doesn’t correspond with who we are inside of ourselves, and having to face and confront this with integrity. I said that this was self-respect, and that living like this allows for dying with no regrets, a light heart, and the greatest spirit …. I may have lost him long the way, but I need this, I need to live this, I need to be this ….