Everyday I Think of Him..... (23 December 2007)

Every day I think of him. I think of us. I feel sad and I miss him….and then I search through words, and thoughts, more insights into what happened, and did not happen, and why…..I try and listen to the quiet within and take in the guidance given. And mostly I feel peace, and at times I feel anxious again as I try to re-piece the aspects of who we were in the company of the other, and I ask if things could have been different. And then I read some more….

Today, I seem to have more clarity. As I read of another’s perspective of love I give each new perspective time to sink in, to see if it sits comfortably within, to see if I am open to accepting it (discarding it if I don’t, my instinct is strong, but so is my prejudice, hence needing to take time to digest.) And this is what I see now. As much as the moments of sadness come each day, the moments of longing and wondering how he is, and where he is, I sense something else much greater, seated much deeper within me. The sadness and the longing are feelings of the ego, but then there is this incredible love, a sense of peace, and I need to look deeper to see it. I have spent so much time chastising myself for not having loved him enough, that my idea of how to love another is wrong, and it has left me doubting my self – not a good space to leave one’s self in, especially when one is already in a vulnerable space. No, I see now that I love him more than ever and did not want either of us to be in a complacent kind of relationship. Both of us have a nature of deep enquiry, searching to understand life better, and so ourselves. Just like me, he has not yet reached the space of absolute peace within, I always knew this, this is what attracted me to him, his unquenchable thirst to learn more about the unexplainable. What I want for him is what I want for myself, and that is why I had to walk away. I could not allow that either of us be the way we were being, when I know we can and WANT to be so much better, for ourselves. He has such dreams that I want him to see through, he has confrontations within himself that I want him to face, to challenge, and conquer so that he may love who he is so much more deeply. And I know that this is all that I want for myself too.

I am not a person who stays in spaces of degradation and decay. The moment that I see that happening I leave, in search of life. I had to leave so that I could love him truly with all my heart, so that I could love and respect him as I do myself. To stay would have been to do and be the complete opposite of who I am.

I am still restless inside, I have many questions and I sense the Universe is not yet ready to give me answers. I can only trust that I am on the right path. The biggest question is still Love? What is it have Unconditional Love? Was it present in my leaving him? I hope so. I hope that the true cause and instigator of my choice was because of a deep wish for us both to be free to discover ourselves, and to find a deep sense of happiness, and I knew it wasn’t going to happen in the space we were in.

I love him dearly, I think of him everyday, I wonder what he’s doing and thinking, and sometimes I hear him say the quirky things he did. I get tearful and it reminds me that I still feel there. And that is good. It hasn’t been easy letting go into this new space, I have fought it with my pride. But I am better for having surrendered.
Surrendering. Trust. Apparently we don’t guide Love, it is Love that guides us.