Keyword of the Day: Devastated

...So, here I am. Splat all over the floor, desperrately trying to get through the day and knowing that I'm probably not going to - not poised and collected anyway. Finally, my heart got my attention and bitch-slapped me in the face to wake me up - whilst telling me over and over to feel what i am actually feeling - that I'm a devastated mess, that I feel like I've been crushed and rolled over just for confirmation of my flatness into the pavement, squished like a bug, and that the only way to get up is to scrape the remnants of my once living body off the floor.

And, yes, of course, its always becuase of heart break. And yes, he managed to get me ointo this space - have this effect on me. I didn't want to admit it. But driving to work this morning it felt good to reconcile myself to the fact that this is really where i am inside - raw and hurting endlessly. Sad and feeling like a fool. Wishing there was some way to get what was back, and knowing i have to find a way instead of moving forward.... and then i have to sit opposite him at work, face him as if all is well, and its not. i couldn't hold it in anymore today - i balled my eyes in the bathroom. I feel like a soggy mess inside and just want to run a mile. But also know that this is probably the best space for me to be in right now.

he questions me in how I perceive things, and i'm just not like him, i don't shut things away and lock them up for good. I feel them, breathe them, live them - i am what is going on inside of me and I cannot ignore it....

so of course it leaves me feelign even more rejected, confused, hurt - devastated - watching him cool and calm like nothing ever mattered, that life is just going on. i watched a movie last night and she tells him "we're just the substitute". Of course they fidn their way to each other at the end - always the case with romantic movies. But the point is that those words hit me, I was his substitute. And now that all is learned / or not (probably more the case), he had his bit of fun and goes back to his familiar space ... and i'm the fool who fell. You know, the one solice i have is knowing I've found the courage after all these days to be able to admit that i fell, hard and fast, and that i feel a complete idiot... i'm not sure how one picks themself up from a fall this hard and far down, but i'll just ahve to learn, like everyone else does. The last time I fell like this and was left reeleing from the most unexpected break-up / rejection was when i was 13 years old - funny, becuase while trying to comes to terms with this i realised how similar that boyfriend and this man are so similar and how the nature of the break-up was so similar ... they both left me when things got too hot to handle.

Perhaps they never really wanted to be involved with me - somehow I don't believe thats true. My sweetheart at 13 sought me out when I didn't even have a clue he existed (being 3 years older, one of the most popular guys in the school which i only found out afterwards, and having just arrived in high school there was no way i was considering even being noticed!) .... he left me the day he arrived back from veldschool. i know he gave into peer pressure from his friends - he got scared and fled - his insecurity got the better of him, the stupidity in all of this is that he never kept his eyes off me all the time after that. I wrote to him just before I left the school to make peace and his reply made it clear that i was never forgotten .... well, the dear man in my present time i know had a girlfriend in Israel who he apprently never planned to stay committed to (but wasn't straight up with her from the beginning), so when she started to pressure he broke it off and went on his planned trip through Africa..... partnering with a woman that lived as a loner just as he does - no need for committment emotionally, just materially .... and then i came along and upturned everything ... and then i questioned and pressured because what i saw was not what was being protrayed to the outside world. And when it just got too hot, he fled. Yet he kept coming back all the times I tried to leave in the first place - but he won't see this. He's just like the insecure boyfriend from my teens - scared to face his inner world, perhaps becuase its a place he knows he'll never have control over and its too much not knowing what he'll find therein.

I still maintain this is how it is. I wouldn't be so sore if he didn't matter to me, and so the state of his heart..... there cannot be a bigger kind of love. If only he'd let himself love the same......