the Voice of Jean

(poem - 14th April 2009)

2009-04-15T11:56:00.001+02:00

You see …

I’m leaving in just a day

You see….

I haven’t been in touch
With another
So closely
For a while now

I haven’t
Loved
Another
So closely
For a while now

You see….
I want to be and see and taste and touch
These things I haven’t
So closely,
So perhaps then with you
For just a while now

You see….
Like you
I am dainty and scared
And Like you I
I have loved till I was left wilted

You see….
JUST like you
I too have this fire burning
No!
RAGING
Inside
And no-one to warm it with
To heat to a simmer
To coax in from the emotional cold
That Life breathes in icy gusts at times
Whipping them around us
Our boots kicking up shards of ice from the past
to shatter in our face
Sting us in the eye
And blind us for just another moment

You see
I just wanted to feel
What its like
(to pretend)
To be in love
For just a little while
Whilst alongside you
Before I go
And the next storm sets in.

(AIJ Blake - 14 April 2009 … again, .... inspired by M. Squ.)

MUSK (poem - 14th April 2009)

2009-04-15T11:51:00.002+02:00

MUSK

Your scent of
musk
It drove me
To sensual limits - the one’s I know
myself to harbour
Just there
In the crook of your neck
And to think I was about
to leave
the movie – so damn slow – behind
And make my way
To the place of sleep and dreams

Your gallantness stepped in of
my way out
And pulled me in
“Can I kiss you?” you asked
Yes
Oh yes
You could kiss me

… and then later
My lips trailing over
The valley of your skin
The dips of your neck
The aroma of your scent
I drank it in
The smoothness of your skin
Tanned
gold
Intoxicated beyond my own sensual heights -
You.
Musk.

( AIJ Blake - 14 April 2009 - for a perhaps-just-momentary lover, Mark Squ.)

“What I messaged you the other night….”

2009-03-01T13:23:00.003+02:00

The a magazine pages
Flip over and fall onto the part
That grasps my attention
That makes me gasp
For breath

A nerve is hit

And so I read of
“loneliness in relationships”
and
“respecting intuition”
And
I think of you
And what I messaged you the other night
And the hard clipped words in your reply
- patronizing
- and chastising as if I was a little girl
- I am not
- Your words were just like that
Of my father

And it hurt
And I cried

Yes, you seem to be another dynamic played out
As I try to uncover and release the hurtful pattern
Of a past I cannot reclaim
Of a closeness that never was
Of a father that never is

And you are just like him
And I fell for you
Self-fulfillingly

First I read the piece on loneliness
And as I tired to understand
The dynamics between us
I stepped away
Took a step back and said
“No more”
“Not this time”
And I unplugged the imaginary cord
Connecting me to you
I pulled it out

I am now about to read the piece
On intuition
And that left me reeling
Because what left me feeling
so UTTERLY lonely when WITH you
is your lack of affirmation of me
your lack of intimately connecting with me
you held back
every time
playing your manipulative game of taking and “listening” to all you could from me
to always keep the upper-hand
to ensure you’d always be the one in control
and controlling the situation
and when I became demanding
it threw you
I wanted clarity and boundaries
A sense of security
I wanted vulnerability
From YOU
I challenged you
And your world would be wobbled
And control would start wavering
And you’d run
The hostility between us would set in
The love was gone

OR
Perhaps it never was there

But that’s exactly what my father did
Played his sick manipulative game
I see now though how he always used his loud harsh bark
To cover up the weak man inside
His inability to stand up for himself
His inability to make a commitment
To himself
And to another

And you’re the same

So all that inability gets covered up
with a sick strategic game
it’s always easier to rather surround one’s self
with others who do the work for them
set the boundaries in place for them
don’t demand higher ideals
closer connection
deeper intimacy
because it puts you
(as it put him)
On the line
To be REAL
- real with yourself
- real with another
- real with the world
- and the closer the other, the more threatening and dangerous

that’s what I was to you
wasn’t it?
I was a threat
Danger
To your carefully worked out game
Your carefully structured identity
I challenged its rules
And so your existence
Your carefully structured world
Of military strategy
And no emotion
- because that’s always where the truth lies
- rather safer to stay within the confinement of rational thinking and intellect, its crisp and clear
- emotion is abstract and submerged, it exists with different rules, it requires US to surrender to IT, and you hate that (as does he)
- you’d have to face your deepest darkest part of yourself and confront the places you’ve kept so well-hidden

You run from your own identity
The one that dwells in your unconscious
And I tapped into it
That’s the language I spoke to you
So when things started to surface
It was too much for you to face
Who you really are
Because you’ve honed your conscious to steer your ship
To “be” your pseudonym identity
Your conscious rules you with its fears
And you deny your true core self that lives beneath the surface
You deny your unconscious SELF
You deny you

I speak the language of unconscious to you
And you reply with the language of conscious
And so the constant battle of
light versus dark
Truth versus deception
Is put into play.

you see I can’t do
what you do
because I made a choice not to
I was very young when I chose this
To not become a stagnant lie
Spending my life investing in constantly covering up
The truth of what I really felt
I understood all too well
The dis-easedness of it all
To play life that way
Play others that way
To play my SELF that way
…. To waste myself away

I see you doing that
And yet, I too am the fool
For not having learned how to walk away
from my own childhood relationship dynamics
I pulled you into my web
And now I have to find the recipe
To remove the glue
That keeps you sticking to me
Or keeps me sticking to you

Perhaps you have found how
To leave me behind
And its just me that has to learn the trick
It’s a lonely thought
But I will
I can
Because my ideals are too high to be ignored
I will crack this reflection I have of myself
- Undervaluing
- underestimating
- not worthy to be truly and truthfully loved
I will smash this mirror
And build a new one
… I’m slowly sourcing the pieces
that do not include you.

(01 March 2009)

The Dreamkeepers

2008-12-21T21:14:00.001+02:00

Dreamkeepers

One finds a space
One day one takes a step into
A small and somewhat non-attention-drawing office
And pledges one’s most future pressing years to dedicate
To this place
This space
This time
Enveloped
Envisioned
In the dream of a one man
The boss

And stepping in on that first day
The energy within
Pulses
The adrenaline of possibility pumping
And a dream is born
Manifest
Into physical

And as the days become nights
Become days
Become dreams-come-true
The hope it grows
And nurtures
And crystallizes into visions of one’s future potential
and places to reach for
But then
The tower
Gets struck
By lightening
- the conscience of consequence of action -
the flash of misguidance
Directs the ship directly into the storm
That was predicted too long ago
And once again
The cracks that let the water seep in
Materialize once more
And the ships goes
Down

And the crew
Jumps
Or get pushed
Off

And then there is nothing
But the lonely dregs of loyal plebs
Hanging onto to threadbare wisps
Of a dream
Once lived
Who pledged their heart
For a cause that held their personal dream
Only to have one man
Undermine
Their heart
Use
A piece of their soul
Take for granted
Them

And so the loyalty hurts and starves
And the dream dies from thirst
And it all shrivels up to what it was at the very beginning
The cycle begins again
The Lesson
still unlearned

And the deeply saddened spirit
Tries to pick up the pieces of its broken heart
And the person
Moves on …
Void of choice

All because of a man
who forgot
to remember
His companions
His soulmates
His dreamkeepers

2008-10-21T16:42:00.001+02:00

Conversations with the Master : The language of the signs

Posted: 17 Oct 2008 05:45 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

- What is the language of the signs?
- Every man has his own personal way of communicating with God and with his own soul.
- So man doesn’t need religion?
- The religions are very important, because they allow us to adore collectively, and to share the same mysteries. But the spiritual search is the responsibility of each of us: if you stray from your path, it is no use blaming the priest, the minister, the rabbi, the pastor - the responsibility is yours alone. That is why an alphabet exists which your soul understands, and which will show you the better decisions along your path.
- How to learn this language?
- Like you would any other. First, with the discipline to educate oneself to notice the signs. Then, with the courage to practice the language. Thirdly, never be afraid to make mistakes while practicing.
- What is it makes us so often follow the wrong sign?
- But of course, how else to learn the right signs?
- Could you give me an example of a sign?
- No. As I said, the language is individual. If we begin to generalize the signs, they turn into superstition.
"Many masters have made the mistake of using their signs in order to guide their disciples. What happens is that when people begin the spiritual search, they enter unknown waters, and feel insecure. So they try grabbing hold of the first thing held out to them - and in doing this, they abandon the aspect of adventure, only to become slaves to the hand guiding them. "
- How can I be sure of recognizing a sign as a true one?
- You never can. But, generally, if you begin seeing this world beyond convictions, you will see that your intuition will start to lead you towards the better choice - however absurd it may seem. Gradually, this language becomes incorporated within you, and although you will continue to make the odd mistake, you are already at peace with your soul, and make the right decisions.
"Often the sign is more practical than we imagined, and I’ll tell you a story about this.
"A man once dreamt about an angel, who said to him: tomorrow it will start to rain, your village will be flooded, but you will be saved.
"And sure enough, the next day it started to rain. An emergency team went from house to house, evacuating the inhabitants, since there was a danger of flooding. All left, except that man, who said: "I had a dream about an angel, who said I’d be saved."
"The next day, the water rose to the first floor of the houses. A second emergency team came to try and save the man, who again refused to leave, claiming to have received a sign from an angel, and that he had to show the world his faith.
"By the third day, the situation had become critical, and the man was alone, perched on the roof of his house - as the waters continued to rise nonstop. Making an enormous effort, a rescue team again tried to remove him, but again he refused, calling them the devil, shouting that they were trying to force him to deny the angel’s sign.
"A short while later, the water covered the house and the man was drowned. Since he was a good Christian, he went to heaven and met St. Peter, who invited him to enter. The man refused, saying that God had tricked him; He had sent an angel who told him he would be saved, when in fact he was the only villager who had died.
"St. Peter told him that God never lied, and promised to return with an explanation. He entered Paradise and returned half an hour later, saying:
"It is true, God did indeed send you an angel to tell you that you would be saved. But He said you refused, three times, the salvation He sent you in the form of rescue teams!""

2008-10-21T16:41:00.000+02:00

Statutes for the present moment

Posted: 16 Oct 2008 05:29 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

1] All men are different. And should do everything possible to continue to be so.
2] Each human being has been granted two courses of action: that of deed and that of contemplation. Both lead to the same place.
3] Each human being has been granted two qualities: power and gift. Power drives man to meet his destiny, his gift obliges him to share with others that which is good in him. A man must know when to use his power, and when to use his gift.
4] Each human being has been granted a virtue: the capacity to choose. For he who does not use this virtue, it becomes a curse - and others will always choose for him.
5] Each human being has the right to two blessings, which are: the blessing to do right, and the blessing to err. In the latter case, there is always a path of learning leading to the right way.
6] Each human being has his own sexual profile, and should exercise it without guilt - provided he does not oblige others to exercise it with him.
7] Each human being has his own Personal Legend to be fulfilled, and this is the reason he is in the world. The Personal Legend is manifest in his enthusiasm for what he does.Single paragraph - the Personal Legend may be abandoned for a certain time, provided one does not forget it and returns as soon as possible.
8] Each man has a feminine side, and each woman has a masculine side. It is necessary to use discipline with intuition, and to use intuition objectively.
9] Each human being must know two languages: the language of society and the language of the omens. The first serves for communication with others. The second serves to interpret messages from God.
10] Each human being has the right to seek out joy, joy being understood as something which makes one content - not necessarily that which makes others content.
11] Each human being must keep alight within him the sacred flame of madness. And must behave like a normal person.
12] The only faults considered grave are the following: not respecting the rights of one’s neighbor, letting oneself be paralyzed by fear, feeling guilty, thinking one does not deserve the good and bad which occurs in life, and being a coward.Paragraph 1 - we shall love our adversaries, but not make alliances with them. They are placed in our way to test our sword, and deserve the respect of our fight.Paragraph 2 - we shall choose our adversaries, not the other way around.
13] All religions lead to the same God, and all deserve the same respect.Single paragraph - A man who chooses a religion is also choosing a collective manner of adoration and of sharing the mysteries. Nevertheless, he alone is responsible for his actions along the Way, and he has no right to transfer to religion the responsibility for his steps and his decisions.
14] We hereby declare the end to the wall dividing the sacred from the profane: from now on, all is sacred.
15] Everything which is done in the present, affects the future by consequence, and the past by redemption.
16] Dispensations to the contrary are herewith revoked.

2008-10-17T09:36:00.001+02:00

Quote of the Day
Posted: 16 Oct 2008 05:26 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho

The Warrior of Light does not always have faith.

(Manual of the Warrior of Light)

2008-10-10T11:04:00.000+02:00

Today’s Question by the reader : Yajna
Posted: 09 Oct 2008 05:46 AM CDT

I believe that love should never prevent you from reaching your dream, but how does it work if your dream is love? Isn’t love an entity on its own, not under control/ ours to be decided on?

Concerning love - it is the ultimate goal. Our personal legend is merely a path, a way we trace in this world in order to fulfill ourselves. As Saint Paul says in his letter to the Corinthians (13:1) : "If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal."

2008-10-10T09:33:00.004+02:00

the Fires of the Divine

will always burn that which has reached its time for transformation, transcendence, renewal ....

that is where we have arrived ....

a lightening bolt struck us both down, and burned every part of what we had to nothing - all incinerated ...

we've reached a time of fundamentally deep change ....

only something greater is destined to grow from among the burnt ashes of our past together .....

and only time will reveal the secrets of its intentions ....

for now we walk in the shadow of unknowingness, and can only blindly trust the Hands that guide us forward each on our own way....

2008-10-09T18:42:00.001+02:00

Quote of the Day
Posted: 09 Oct 2008 05:48 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

Whenever man walks the path of faith with sincerity, he becomes capable of growing closer to God and capable of miracles.

(By the River Piedra I sat down and wept)

The Sword of Decision

2008-10-09T18:41:00.002+02:00

Being master of your sword
Posted: 09 Oct 2008 05:50 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

A sword may last a short time. But the warrior must endure.
That is why he is not fooled about his own capability, and avoids being taken by surprise. He considers each thing with the importance it deserves.
At times, when faced with grave matters, the devil whispers in his ear: "do not worry about that, it’s not serious."
At others, facing banal things, the demon tells him: "you should devote all your energy to resolve this situation."
The warrior does not listen to what the devil is saying.
He is master of his sword.

2008-10-08T18:42:00.000+02:00

Knowing when to remain still

Posted: 08 Oct 2008 06:52 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

A warrior of the light never forgets that good men do not complain.
Injustices take place. We all go through situations we do not deserve - generally when we cannot defend ourselves.
At such times, the warrior remains silent. He does not waste energy on words, for they can do nothing; it is better to use the strength to resist, be patient, and know that Someone is watching. Someone who has faced unjust suffering, and who does not accept it.
This Someone gives the warrior that which he needs the most: time. Sooner or later, everything will work in his favor once again.
A warrior of the light is wise; He doesn’t comment on his defeats.

2008-10-08T18:41:00.000+02:00

Quote of the Day
Posted: 08 Oct 2008 06:51 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

We arrive precisely where we need to arrive because the hand of God always guides those who follow their path with faith.

(Brida)

A Gentle whisper to my ears

2008-10-07T18:09:00.001+02:00

Quote of the Day
Posted: 07 Oct 2008 05:56 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

The Lord listens to the prayers of those who ask to be able to forget hatred, but is deaf to those who want to flee love.

(The Fifth Mountain)

2008-10-07T15:40:00.001+02:00

Quote of the Day
Posted: 06 Oct 2008 05:39 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

God always offers us a second chance in life.

(By the river Piedra I sat Down and Wept)

Time to let go

2008-10-07T15:33:00.002+02:00

The Strength of the Warrior
Posted: 06 Oct 2008 05:44 AM CDT
Paulo Coelho

The warrior - inadvertently - takes a wrong step and falls into the abyss. Phantoms startle him, loneliness torments him. As always he sought the Good Combat, and didn’t think this would happen to him.
But it did. Surrounded by darkness, he communicates with his master.
"Master, I have fallen into the abyss," he says. "The waters are deep and dark."
"Remember one thing," replies the master. "That it is not the fall which drowns, but the length of time underwater."
And this causes the warrior to use all his strength to get out of the situation in which he finds himself.

...thank you Paulo. My heart is broken, and all because I believed fully and deeply in the person ... confused as I am right now, its time to let go of him, I did my best, gave my all, loved with every part of me - his destiny is not my choosing, it is his own. I uqestion every day how I did not love him enough, what more could I have given of myself, and every morning I look at him and the walls have shut me out even more than before - or maybe its me who knows this fight I have lost. He won - whatever it was he wanted to achieve, he did.

Its Time for me to go my own way now and leave him in the present, there'll be no changes for today.

Keyword of the Day: Devastated

2008-10-06T11:53:00.004+02:00

...So, here I am. Splat all over the floor, desperrately trying to get through the day and knowing that I'm probably not going to - not poised and collected anyway. Finally, my heart got my attention and bitch-slapped me in the face to wake me up - whilst telling me over and over to feel what i am actually feeling - that I'm a devastated mess, that I feel like I've been crushed and rolled over just for confirmation of my flatness into the pavement, squished like a bug, and that the only way to get up is to scrape the remnants of my once living body off the floor.

And, yes, of course, its always becuase of heart break. And yes, he managed to get me ointo this space - have this effect on me. I didn't want to admit it. But driving to work this morning it felt good to reconcile myself to the fact that this is really where i am inside - raw and hurting endlessly. Sad and feeling like a fool. Wishing there was some way to get what was back, and knowing i have to find a way instead of moving forward.... and then i have to sit opposite him at work, face him as if all is well, and its not. i couldn't hold it in anymore today - i balled my eyes in the bathroom. I feel like a soggy mess inside and just want to run a mile. But also know that this is probably the best space for me to be in right now.

he questions me in how I perceive things, and i'm just not like him, i don't shut things away and lock them up for good. I feel them, breathe them, live them - i am what is going on inside of me and I cannot ignore it....

so of course it leaves me feelign even more rejected, confused, hurt - devastated - watching him cool and calm like nothing ever mattered, that life is just going on. i watched a movie last night and she tells him "we're just the substitute". Of course they fidn their way to each other at the end - always the case with romantic movies. But the point is that those words hit me, I was his substitute. And now that all is learned / or not (probably more the case), he had his bit of fun and goes back to his familiar space ... and i'm the fool who fell. You know, the one solice i have is knowing I've found the courage after all these days to be able to admit that i fell, hard and fast, and that i feel a complete idiot... i'm not sure how one picks themself up from a fall this hard and far down, but i'll just ahve to learn, like everyone else does. The last time I fell like this and was left reeleing from the most unexpected break-up / rejection was when i was 13 years old - funny, becuase while trying to comes to terms with this i realised how similar that boyfriend and this man are so similar and how the nature of the break-up was so similar ... they both left me when things got too hot to handle.

Perhaps they never really wanted to be involved with me - somehow I don't believe thats true. My sweetheart at 13 sought me out when I didn't even have a clue he existed (being 3 years older, one of the most popular guys in the school which i only found out afterwards, and having just arrived in high school there was no way i was considering even being noticed!) .... he left me the day he arrived back from veldschool. i know he gave into peer pressure from his friends - he got scared and fled - his insecurity got the better of him, the stupidity in all of this is that he never kept his eyes off me all the time after that. I wrote to him just before I left the school to make peace and his reply made it clear that i was never forgotten .... well, the dear man in my present time i know had a girlfriend in Israel who he apprently never planned to stay committed to (but wasn't straight up with her from the beginning), so when she started to pressure he broke it off and went on his planned trip through Africa..... partnering with a woman that lived as a loner just as he does - no need for committment emotionally, just materially .... and then i came along and upturned everything ... and then i questioned and pressured because what i saw was not what was being protrayed to the outside world. And when it just got too hot, he fled. Yet he kept coming back all the times I tried to leave in the first place - but he won't see this. He's just like the insecure boyfriend from my teens - scared to face his inner world, perhaps becuase its a place he knows he'll never have control over and its too much not knowing what he'll find therein.

I still maintain this is how it is. I wouldn't be so sore if he didn't matter to me, and so the state of his heart..... there cannot be a bigger kind of love. If only he'd let himself love the same......

2008-10-04T15:51:00.000+02:00

Quote of the Day

Posted: 03 Oct 2008 06:21 AM CDT

Paulo Coelho

The Man who defends his friends is never overwhelmed by the storms of life;
he is strong enough to come through difficulties and carry on.
(Manual of the Warrior of Light)

2008-10-01T18:03:00.002+02:00

.... and further, there is co-dependency.

It's so subtle that it appears as if there is nothing wrong, no insecurities and neediness....but i have now experienced too many relationships where each time i have thought myself to be the one needing security, the weak one, the one neeidng to depend on the other for support - but always, always my partner who appeared so strong and in control was in fact the one depending on me the most ... how silly. Again, I fooled myself. And as i stand back i can see how scared of his own emotions he is, so much so that he has grown the thickest skin i have ever encountered - and yet, he was the most timid, sensitive man when spending time quietly with me. I thought i was the one who had to be looked after and protected, but in reality i was the supporter, the carrier ..... again, I lived out the role bewteen my mother and I - she was the child, and i the mother.

The flip side of Innocence

2008-10-01T13:26:00.002+02:00

No matter how old we may be, we can never underestimate the power of the dynamics and so influence and impact that our relationship with our parents will continue to have on all our intimate relationships in the future. We will always continue to simulate our mother and/or father's relationships with us - and that they had between them - over and over until we have a clear understanding of how they have affected us - only at this point will we be able to conciously choose the nature of future intimate relationships that WE want to have - and not a reconstruction of what our parents thought and set up for us - and so not a fulfilling of a prophecy of who they thought (and probably still think) we are, instead we get the chance to create who we are for ourself, free of other people's perceptions - our intimate relationships are an extension of this, an extension of us. They reflect the deeper essence and colour of our own individual nature and provide a space for us to creatively explore and express who we are for ourself .... but it takes conscious efforts to unravel the patterns engrained by our upbringing, for here was our first naive contact with what a close and personal relationship could look like. As a child we think this to be the only way - it takes courage to walk away from what we know and have always thought to be the Truth, and venture into something that we don't know at all just so that we can give ourself the chance to discover something that is truely our own, on our own terms, and not merely another reaction to our past.

Looking closely at the nature and patterns of earlier past relationships, they would probably all be a simulation of and reflect similar dynamics or reactions to our connections to our parents.

So, the quesion now is, have you truely freed yourself from your parents? Our do their ghosts still haunt you in your current space of intimacy?

2008-09-25T20:14:00.000+02:00

Paulo Coehlo .....

Posted: 25 Sep 2008 07:04 AM CDT

Another of your wisdoms says that it has a prize not to live one’s dreams. But a dream could be nice just as it is, don’t you think? Must all dreams come true? Sex fantasies, for instance, aren’t they often best as just fantasies?

You are always paying a price either you fulfill or not your dream. I can’t possibly pose as a judge and say which types of dreams should or shouldn’t be fulfilled. I merely acknowledge that when you go after your dream – meaning what gives you the feeling of truly being alive – you are facing risks and you certainly pay a price. The same applies for those who choose to pass their dreams under silence.

Many fool themselves thinking that not fulfilling their dreams will have no consequences… Maybe not for others, but there always remains a scar in the soul.

2008-09-25T20:11:00.000+02:00

The place we desire

Posted: 25 Sep 2008 07:07 AM CDT

Paulo Coelho

A friend came to wait on our table - at a café in San Diego, California. I had met Cláudia in Brazil four years previously, and tell my friends about her life in the USA: she only sleeps for three hours, since she works in the café till late, and is a babysitter throughout the day.

"I don’t know how she can stand it," one of them says.

"There’s a Buddhist story about a turtle," replies an Argentinian woman at our table.

"It was crossing a swamp, covered in mud, when it passed a temple. There it saw the shell of a turtle - all adorned with gold and precious stones.

"I don’t envy you, ancient friend," thought the turtle. "You’re covered in jewels, but I’m doing what I want."

We All Have a Tender Spot that's Raw and We Try to Hide ...

2008-09-25T20:02:00.000+02:00

In the Tokyo subway

Posted: 24 Sep 2008 05:14 AM CDT

By Paulo Coelho

Terry Dobson was traveling on the Tokyo subway when a drunk got on and began to insult all the passengers.

Dobson, who had studied martial arts for some years, challenged the man.

"What do you want?" asked the drunk.

Dobson got ready to attack him. Just then, an old man sitting on one of the seats shouted: "Hey!"

"I’ll beat the foreigner, then I’ll beat you!" said the drunk.

"I like to drink, too," said the old man. "I sit every afternoon with my wife, and we drink sake. Are you married?"

The drunk was confused, and replied: "I have no wife, I have no one. I’m just so terribly ashamed."

The old man asked the drunk to sit beside him. By the time Dobson got off, the man was in tears.

2008-09-25T19:58:00.001+02:00

Quote of the Day

Posted: 24 Sep 2008 05:13 AM CDT

By Paulo Coelho

The warrior of light calmly goes to his sacred place and puts on the cloack of faith.
Faith parries all blows.
Faith transforms poison into pure water.
(Manual of the Warrior of Light)

2008-09-17T21:03:00.001+02:00

"... A strong woman must be like the willow tree - while she bends to
the wild and wicked ways of life she will endure."

SYLVIA - Bryce Courtenay

2008-09-17T13:12:00.001+02:00

The third cardinal virtue: Love

The third cardinal virtue:Love

According to the dictionary: from the Latin amor: strong affection that drives us towards the object of our desires; inclination of the soul and heart; affection; passion; exclusive inclination; theological grace.

In the New Testament: So faith, hope and love endure. These are the great three, and the greatest of them is love. (Corinthians 13:13)

According to etymology: the Greeks had three words to designate love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is the healthy love between two persons that justifies life and perpetuates the human race. Philos is the sentiment that we dedicate to our friends. Finally, Agape, which contains both Eros and Philos, goes far beyond "liking" someone. Agape is total love, the love that devours those who feel it. For Catholics, this was the love that Jesus felt for humanity, and it was so great that it shook the stars and changed the course of the history of men. Those who know and feel Agape realize that nothing else in this world has any importance, only loving.

For Oscar Wilde:

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
(Ballad of Reading Jail, 1898)

In a late 19th century sermon: Pour your love generously on the poor, which is easy; and on the rich, who distrust everybody and cannot see the love that they so need. And on your neighbor – which is very difficult, because it is towards him that we are most selfish. Love. Never lose a chance to give joy to your neighbor, because you will be the first to benefit from this – even if nobody knows what you are doing. The world around you will become happier, and things will become easier for you.

I am in this world living the present. Any good thing that I can do, or any happiness that I can bring to others, please tell me. Don't let me put things off or forget, because I shall never live this moment again. (Henry Drummond The Supreme Gift, [1851-1897])

In an e-mail received by the author: "While I kept my heart to myself, I never had a single morning of anguish or a single night of insomnia. Since I fell in love, my life has been a sequence of anguish, losses, confusion. I think that God, by using love, managed to hide hell in the middle of Paradise" (C.A., 23/11/2006)

For science: In the year 2000, researchers Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, of University College in London, located the areas of the brain activated by romantic love by using a series of students who claimed to be madly in love. In the first place, they concluded that the zones affected by the sentiment are far smaller than they had imagined, and are the same as those activated by stimuli of euphoria, such as in using cocaine, for example. Which led the authors to conclude that love is similar to the manifestation of physical dependence provoked by drugs.

Also using the same system of scanning the brain, scientist Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, concludes that three characteristics of love (sex, romanticism and mutual dependence) stimulate different areas of the cortex, and further conclude that we can be in love with one person, want to make love to another, and live with a third.

For a poet: Love possesses nothing and does not want to be possessed, because it is enough in itself. It will make you grow, and then throw you on the ground. It will whip you so that you feel your impotence, it will shake you to rid you of all your impurities. It will crush you to leave you flexible.

And then it will toss you in the fire so that you can become the blessed bread to be served at God's sacred feast (The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran [1883-1931])

(next Warrior of Light Online Wisdom)

Unto One's Self Be True

2008-09-17T08:02:00.001+02:00

So if it was so perfect within, why then did you go in searching for something, without?

I still truly believe that when one feels unfulfilled, we will always go in search to find a way to be full again ….

2008-09-11T11:02:00.002+02:00

I've had numerous arguments with this person around reason versus intuition, and every time he seems to disagree that its a stable and grounded foundation on which to base deicisons, perspectives and so on ... my argument is that its not something that one jumps to in a split second, intuion is a force, an insight that moves from deep within, in the pit of your stomach and gently makes you aware of its presence -and then ENCOURAGES you to allow it to move and expand some more - over time .... far too many I believe see this force as whimsical, if anyhting I believe it to be far more superior to reason - reason is man - intuiton is Life force, Life force is greater than us...... (but as always, humans are scared of that which they are not in control of, whihc they cannot see, and have to fully trust without knowing whether its really there or not ... I guess the same goes for Love - now thats where I freeze from petrification!) .... Anyway, here's something that came in last night after much confusion, twisting, turning, losing hope, reigniting hope, asking for signs, and still loving despite this all ... this has been my greatest love .... but where to now? I know I cannot replace this one, and I DON'T WANT to.

Quote of the Day
Posted: 10 Sep 2008 05:53 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho

Whenever we need to make an important decision,it is best to trust impulse and passion,because reason usually tries to remove us from our dream,saying that the time is not yet right.Reason is afraid of defeat,but intuition enjoys life and its challenges.

(Acceptance speech delivered to the Brazilian Academy of Letters)

2008-09-11T11:00:00.000+02:00

Paulo Coelho's Blog

This will pass

Posted: 10 Sep 2008 05:55 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho

The Sufi tradition tells the story of a king who was surrounded by wise men. One morning, as they talked, the king was quieter than usual.
"What is wrong, Your Highness?" - asked one of the wise men.
"I’m confused," replied the king. "At times I am overcome by melancholy, and feel powerless to fulfill my duties. At others, I am dizzy with all power I have. I’d like a talisman to help me be at peace with myself."
The wise men - surprised by such a request - spent long months in discussion. In the end, they went to the king with a gift.
"We have engraved magic words on the talisman. Read them out loud whenever you are too confident, or very sad," they said.
The king looked at the object he had ordered. It was a simple silver and gold ring, but with an inscription:
"This will pass."

2008-09-10T15:03:00.002+02:00

ALBUM to Listen to:

"Sensual World" by Kate Bush

Favourite songs .....

Between a Man and a Woman
This Woman's Work

Pack My Dream Away

2008-09-08T08:00:00.002+02:00

I feel ripped apart when I think of how you gave up on me. Gave up on the beauty that was between us. I'm slowly turning to face the unwalked sands that lie ahead of me... as I turn I'm given a glimpse of why you chose this, resorted to this. As I look back I realise you spoke the words from the beginning, gave up from the beginning already .... Love shares with me how you've never thought you're good enough for me, that you don't deserve me .....

but I want to tell you that for me it was always very much otherwise. And it rips me apart as I see this, and slowly pack my dream away.

For U or Me to Understand me?

2008-09-07T21:34:00.001+02:00

"An Unquiet Mind"

by Kay Redfield Jamison

(a note to anyone to read this book, including me ... )

Quote.

2008-09-07T17:44:00.001+02:00

Charles Darwin

"It is not the strongest of the species who survive, not the most intelligent, but those who are the most adaptive to change."

Being BIPOLAR

2008-09-07T17:29:00.002+02:00

BIPOLAR

Perhaps in a world that is run and authorized by the human nature – a nature that is not always aware of its own shortness in consciousness, and lacks the ability to be real with itself, we have 3 types of people…(possibly for those in transition between one space and another).

The first would be the mainstream, those that plod through life –and see it as the beginning and end. That what is, is, that they have no control over it, and that the meaning of life is to settle, get married, have babies and then die – and that all the other little extras are what come with this. The purpose in life is to focus on their dreams, the house of their dreams, the career of their dreams – but all dreams being physical and of this life – nothing beyond.

Then there would be those that are referred to as lunatics, the absolute extremes whose thoughts and mental wanderings take them to places that the first group cannot come to terms with and refuse to consider, and comprehend. They get hospitalized and locked away for fear of how they may contagiously “inflict” their thoughts upon the innocent young ones. This group tend to reflect that part of human nature that is obscene and macabre, but that in fact exists in all of us. Perhaps their purpose is to remind all of us of a part of who we are – that we are in fact made up of multiple fragments and that this does (whether we like it or not) make up one of those fragments – which come together to make us whole. … yet the first type are in denial about this.

And then there are the real.
Those that function in society but have been and perhaps just touched on the side of the second. They know what the human disposition is capable of – what it is really made up of – all three components. There is also an awareness of life beyond the limitations of this mortal physical existence. Somehow I see myself falling into this third, and last group. The difficulty comes in that this last type of person sees (without being told) which group people fall into, upon first meeting them. There is a deep level of understanding in how their psychology works, and a compassion around this. Yet there is also a fear as this last type of person acknowledges that they too carry all of the rest in them as well. After conversing with a friend yesterday, I realize that person’s suffering from bipolar probably all have a far more real perspective on human nature, human existence and life – and through their own severe and abysmal suffering have learned the absolute necessity to be REAL in all of this – to be REAL in who they are in their relations with the world outside of them whether that be one-on-one REALNESS with a person, or a collective group – to not be, to keep pretending, remaining in denial, and making as if all is well and fine, is just not worth it. It wastes one’s energy, one’s mind, one’s heart, one’s soul. And therefore one’s Life. …. And it seems that it would be this type of person that would actually be able to relate to all other groups as above in a real, non-judgemental way – because they’ve been there, they’ve worn all the dis/guises and have suffered through the lessons in how to discard them.

In further conversing I understood that our sensitivity in experiencing life is so finely tuned, and that it is in fact far beyond mosts ability of comprehension, and far out of other's reference points - their archives of experience just don't have that extreme of "stories" to refer back to. She spoke of her sensitivity to temperature change. And then asked me "aren't your eyes sensitive to light?" At first I didn't understand why she asked this, and then realised she was wearing sunglasses, and I was not. What I did respond with is how I want to climb the walls in my work office because at times the sensorial stimuli is just too much - the sounds, the sensations of people walking on the wooden floorboards, the lack of sunshine onto my skin - it gets to me, in a big way. .... and then we spoke of being real - for once it was another bringing this up - and not me. That was such a relief for me. The fact that I am not an alien to this century of humanity, that I am not alone, but in fact that there is someone who has reached the same conclusions as me. Who no longer wishes to bullshit herself (and I myself) with pretending all is well and fine, in our job, that we gripe and moan about day in and day out, that the marriage / relationship we're in is the one and that we're content in, yet we spend more of our time at work and out of the house than with our so-called "loved one" and most of the time are not even present to what they're doing nor the company they keep and the worst, is not knowing what their inner reality is and knowing what is going on in there or at least being let into their inner world by them and vice verse, that the person we are in our life is who we like to be, yet when we're alone with ourself we cannot stand to keep our own company and hide away with books and computers and drinks or shopping, that when we're left with nothing else to do but to stare into the landscape around us we cannot be with the true emotions that suddenly surface without our permission .... all becuase we don't know how to be REAL. She spoke of being real and I hugged her - I wanted to cry from shere relief. Because she gave me the space to be real too, with her, and with me.

(07th September 2008)

Missing ...

2008-09-06T18:14:00.002+02:00

I miss my Best Friend, so very much. I haven't understood why all the
restless aching, until today. Its the pain of loss - the same as that
of my sister... He was with me for just mere momemts at a time. The
man I love let his soul live through into this world for those brief
moments, and it was then that my Best Friend was with me. I didn't
realise it then, only today. I don't know the person whose been living
as him over the past few days, I'm not sure I want to. ... I just miss
my friend, his soul is the other half of me, and I knowI cannot fill that space myself, its not mine to fill - its there waiting for him, because its his. I know that as things stand now, and at the rate he is not moving (humanly) I won't get the chance to see the rest of this life through with him, to share my life with him physically in it - the split between his soul and his human self is just too vast (and I know his soul and body struggle with one another right now). HE is larger than life, but his human heart and mind is just too scared to let him breathe fully with all that is him into this life. ... after today, I know now that we can connect, despite his body, bypassing his blocking mind and walls, in the realsm of the unseen and the intangible - and I'm not even sure if his physical self is even aware of this! I suspect not, judging from what I have been witness too of late. But his soul - my Best Friend (ever) - he's let me know he's there, he's just very hidden. ....

.... and I miss him - he's just stuck behind the bars of human masks and walls, human insecurities and self-denials. And I realise his human self may never let him out.

2008-09-06T08:35:00.002+02:00

Stop behaving so childishly, it doesn't suit you.

Reacting to what I do,

because you cannot bare to be alone

will get you nowhere

it will keep you just where you are right now

and where you've been for all this time.

Are you happy being a slave to reactions?

what of your own creative choice?

does that not inspire you more?

but then you need to take me out of the equation - completely

and focus only on what it is that you need to do

for you

if you're ever going to get this right

I do not need a ripple reaction everytime I go away

stop being so childish

and find another way

to find yourself.

A Little Hermit Crab

2008-09-05T17:04:00.003+02:00

You've been likened to a hermit crab

the small and timid little creature

who ventures out - feet first

into the big wide world

too scared to expose all what you are

creeping out, and just as suddenly

scuttling back in

for fear

for what might happen

I used to be like you

but now I am a gecko

I am curious

and explore the walls of existence

nearing close to others

out of a need to touch

with them

and be touched back

to be fed water

for my thristy spirit

yet my skin is still so thin

like a sheet of rice paper

that can be torn

with ease

i know this, and yet

I want to stay as a gecko

I also get so very scared,

just like you

I know this too,

but I like my paper-thin skin

and how intensely and richly

I can experience, feel, absorb

all of life

I invite you to come out

and experience the world with me -

little bit by little bit

you sometimes peak out

and I can see what you REALLY look like

(and not see what you let everyone else see -

a shell, with a voice echoing mysteriously from it)

... but rather I get to see YOU

You,

in all your timidness, and sensitivity

in all your gentle ways

and curiosity

with all your child-like intrigue

Why? I wonder

do you not want to be this all the time?

Its so much more fun

and you get to feel the warmth of the sun,

called Love and Life

on your spiritual skin...

come out and venture with me ...

like the child you used to be............. please.

Knowing One's Self

2008-09-03T10:03:00.004+02:00

"If the man who I have allowed into the deepest chambers of my heart, still questions being with me - then he does not deserve me.

For this clearly shows that he does not yet know himself, and therefore know his heart and the dreams that lie therein. ... only a man who has ventured into his own vulnerability to know his real emotion and feeling, and has the ability to be present with this part of him, knows himself,

and only then will have the sight to truely see me, and know what an extraordinary and extreme gift it will be, to be with me, and me with him."

- Angela

Words that Soothe and Guide

2008-09-01T15:47:00.001+02:00

THE ZAHIR

Paulo Coehlo

'No, I can't think like that. If I behave in the way people expect me to behave, I will become their slave. It requires enormous self-control not to succumb, because our natural tendency is to want to please, even if the person to be pleased is us. If I do that, I will lose not only Esther, but Marie, my work, my future, as well as any respect I have for myself and for what I have said and written.'

'Nineteen Minutes' - Jodi Picoult

2008-08-31T20:03:00.001+02:00

"... dispensing justice was really more about being present and
engaged than anything else - ... "

Chinese Proverb ...

2008-08-31T19:30:00.001+02:00

'If we don't change the direction we are headed,

we will end up where we are going.'

2008-08-27T20:25:00.002+02:00

......."Gilgulim - גילגולים - means Reincarnation"

" .... it derives its meaning from the hebrew word GAL גל which means to reveal or unhide; the doubling up of the word גלגל implies in the word Gilgulim Reincarnations that we need to unveil and reveal the hidden meanings of life in this physical world, in spiritual world and from a previous lifetime."

Alone until the Other Arrives ...

2008-08-26T15:29:00.004+02:00

Aloneness ... and then the dilemma of the emptiness and the void ... and I as I grapple with this, I get the following, as I struggle to find peace in myself, as I start thinking that i'm believing in a phantom, a fantasy of my own making .... then I get this, so what do I do, pick myself up from this "trip and fall" and keep walking this lone path? My deepest heart's desire? where when I ask my heart what is missing and I think perhaps that I am not doing enough - that the final answer I fall back on, that I always fall back on is the searching, the waiting, the aching, the

space that I cannot fill myself ..... perhaps, what I need to do and learn here this time round is the art of patience, that this will come, in its time, but for now to be at peace with the waiting ......

"The Soulmate"

Talmud (Sotah 2a) teaches that "destiny" has designated each and every individual with a soulmate. The "soulmate" is actually the other half of a person. With ones soulmate one is wholesome, without it one is void and empty. With ones "soulmate" comes a "package" of a home to live in and profession/job and purpose in life.
The spiritual and physical energy of planet earth resonates to the number TWO, everything on our planet comes in pairs. The Earth itself is paired with the Moon, the identity of the Earth needs the Moon to exist both physically and spiritually, in the renewal of energies monthly and daily tidal flows, as the magnetic pull of the Moons energy causes high and low tides - the Earth needs CHANGE to exist.
The emphasis and importance of finding ones true soulmate is the key to success in life. The two halves that make the whole, once together one can lead a fulfilling and purposeful life of "destiny". Having the "wrong half" means one does not have ones soulmate hence one does not have "the key of life" to fulfill ones true destined purpose in life.

The purpose of the "soulmate" is to make a person feel wholesome with LOVE and enable one to accomplish the mission and purpose of life through physical, sexual and spiritual LOVE energy. Everything constructive and good in this life is only created through LOVE. Only through the loving energy created together with ones soulmate creates the perfect energy to live, bringing meaning to everything in ones life.

(http://www.gilgulim.com/whosoulmate.html)

... I think I can breathe a little easier now...there's nothing wrong with me, I just haven't found my other half yet ... I'll learn the art of patience, and patiently wait.....

2008-08-26T14:56:00.001+02:00

By Paulo Coelho

The roller-coaster is my life;
life is a fast, dizzying game;
life is a parachute jump;
it’s taking chances, falling over
and getting up again;
it’s mountaineering;
it’s wanting to get to the very top of yourself
and feeling angry and dissatisfied
when you don’t manage it.

(Eleven Minutes)

He Kisses Me ...

2008-08-26T14:52:00.003+02:00

Life kisses me
like a Lover does
softly
like a whisper
a caress across the cheek
almost imperceptible
and yet still very much there
and folds me into His arms
that safety space where strength stands guard
as tenderness does its job inside
His masculine side
holding me
forever, for as long as I need
As a Lover would -
He consoles me
His Love
Deepest Love
wanting to be everything that he can for Her
and wondering if what he is
is enough

... and hoping
with all his heart
with all his Being
that it is,
that he is....

...and while doing this,
he keeps whispering over and over
that I am always enough,
and always have been...

And so who do I want to be? ...

2008-08-26T14:49:00.001+02:00

In Moses’ footsteps
Posted: 25 Aug 2008 06:59 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho

Rabbi Zuya wanted to discover the mysteries of life. He therefore resolved to imitate the life of Moses.
For years, he tried to behave like the prophet - without ever achieving the results he hoped for. One night, tired of so much study, he fell into a deep sleep.
God appeared in his dream:
- Why are you so upset, my son? - He asked.
- My days on Earth will end, and I am still so far from being like Moses - answered Zuya.
- If I needed another Moses, I’d have already created him - said God. - When you come before me for judgment, I will not ask whether you were a good Moses, but who you were. Try and be a good Zuya.

Do You ....?

2008-08-26T12:44:00.003+02:00

I wonder if you still see me
and when you don't if the aches sets in

does a space exist where I once did
that cannot right now be filled
that just is
and that you have to just be with
and are you with it

When I move past your line of vision
do you hear an echo of what was
a yearning for what could have been
and the pain of now what is not
when you stare at the blue of my eyes
of what do you think
what stirs you within

does your chest tighten
and do you notice
that your breathing shallows
and that your heart is sad
with missing
with sadness
with disapointment

did you love
like never before
and do you push that knowing
that reality away
as you've said you do
when the emotions set in
or just this once
could you stop and turn
and face
the love that perhaps you felt
one you possibly have never felt before
does this love still linger
with nowhere to go
and how
pray tell
do you let it and you be
side-by-side
moment-by-moment

do you still love as deeply
and wonder "where to from here"
?

do you struggle

The Ache Within

2008-08-26T12:03:00.004+02:00

So the pain is very much there, very much present with me the whole day through, it was here yesterday as well. I'm breathing and doing my best to be with it, to carry it with me, not ignore it, and to let it hold me back too - although sometimes I forget. And I keep reminding myself to be gentle and kind to myself (as Michael said to be with one's self - he's such an angel). I also keep reminding myself to keep my heart open, that despite everything, if anything I have the biggest heart, the biggest love, and that to be able to have accessed this extent of one's self is the most precious thing in all of life - I am so very sad, so I just keep gently whispering all of this back to myself. .... will I find my way through, I'm not sure. I'm never sure when these spaces arrive. So I trust that this time Life will carry me through to a better place, a peaceful place, and that I won't have to go through this yet again ... these times always tire me out so very much ....

.... and the hardest is that I can't say out loud how I'm really feeling. That, I think is the hardest part of all.

2008-08-25T17:37:00.002+02:00

The Call

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.
Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.

Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.
But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.

There's no safety in that!
Remember what you are and let this knowing take you home to the Beloved with every breath.
Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing colour the shape of your humanness.
There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.

Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.
There is no waiting for something to happen, no point in the future to get to.

All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.
You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.

Come home and rest.
How much longer can you live like this? Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles.

All this trying. Give it up!
Let yourself be one of the God-mad, faithful only to the Beauty you are.
Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close, dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.
Remember-

there is one word you are here to say with your whole being. When it finds you, give your life to it.

Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.
Spend yourself completely on the saying. Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

Harper Collins, 2003)

2008-08-25T17:34:00.003+02:00

I started reading The Call again last night .... as always I have to wait until I am ready for the teaching ... so now I get to learn to Trust in Life again - and so the Divine - and that I am being taken care of (and always have been) .... I am getting to face my deepest fear of life.

Question ?

2008-08-23T23:01:00.000+02:00

So my question is this - how to know when you are okay and enough -
that Life accepts you ... How do you know when to stop trying and just
fall into being without feeling guilt and blame, instead a deep sense
of acceptance for yourself and how you're doing life ... Is this still
living consciously and awake and with truth? ... How to feel you're
living truthfully, and flowing like water in each present .... how?

2008-08-22T15:12:00.003+02:00

.......

"Sometimes when the people you thought believed implicitally in you, you realise don't , or seem to have forgotten.... we have to find the courage to keep walking alone and to keep believeing in our own self ... for me, that's now."

2008-08-22T12:47:00.003+02:00

...and just perhaps, you are my resistance, and I AM growing - even when I think I have lost my way, I get disheartened, I try and reach for you to better understand you, but in fact this friction teaches me more about me, encourages me to stand my ground and not lose hope in who I am, and that maybe I'm not meant to understand you and I'm vesting my energy in something / someone that I'm not meant to .... that then must be the blessing in all of this (its just one in disguise).

2008-08-22T09:41:00.003+02:00

.... I just want you to also be the best you can be, but until you start with yourself and give your self the chance to do this, you will never create the space for other's to do the same ... the role of a leader is a hard one, that seems in my experience to get harder and harder, but what I realised last night in talking to a wise old friend, that the resistance must match the growth - in order to continue to allow us to build in strength .... I want you to see what you are capable of being, and I truely believe you choose not to see this out of fear, fear of failure? fear of being alone? But you are this already! .... I want you to be your best ... for you.

2008-08-22T09:21:00.002+02:00

I've been watching from a distance and I know you are not in a good space ... I suspected / sensed this was so, even as I sit here in another city 1000 km's away ....

... and yet, you let no-one near you. I know I am the last person you want to have be concerned for you. I understand that, but it doesn't change the nature of my heart - and what lies therein.

you call me defensive and say I stick my claws out - yes I do...and perhaps I have learning to do there. No matter if I am scared or not, I will look.....

I watch you from a distance and I see you are not well, you hide behind your well-articulated, clinically business words ... and push me further and further and further away ... I won't say that it doesn't hurt. If it didn't I know that I don't care for you as deeply as I do - it would be neither here nor there....the fact that it does, that it causes that deep ache in my chest, and sadness in the pit of my stomach, as I watch you isolate yourself from those around you more and more, confirms that you are special to me. That has not changed. The words you send my way, so surgically sterile and clean, so perfectly sentenced together, show me that perhaps we have reached the end of the road and that our mutual learnings through one another will be very hard from this time on - until we fully part. That does not make for easy swallowing - I am tense and apprehensive as I know the possibility of a stormy keeping of professional company looms up ahead in the nearest future.

My words have been harsh, crisp, cutting toward you - and as I try to understand what my intention has been behind that I hope within myself that as I look there I will find that it was driven only by a deep concern, but I think I must admit that along with that is an anger of seeing you hurt yourself and my knowing there is nothing I can do about it, and so there is also frustration and disappointment as I see that I must continue to let go, let you be that rock you ascribed yourself to be like, the space where you are now, and I must walk my path with "watching from a distance" being my only connection to you.... I can do this, I know that, and only because I am learning more and more that that is the ultimate nature of love.

Paulo Coehlo's Quote of the Day

2008-08-21T18:05:00.001+02:00

Suffering,

if confronted without fear,

is the great passport to freedom.

(Eleven Minutes)

2008-08-21T17:54:00.003+02:00

Perhaps my greatest guide of them all:

"The first cardinal virtue: Faith"

According to the dictionary: from the Latin word fide: confidence; religious belief; conviction with regard to someone or something; firmness in fulfilling a commitment; credit; intention; theological virtue.

According to Jesus Christ: The apostles said to the Lord, “Give us more faith.” And the Lord said: “If your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you could have said to this mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the roots and planted in the sea,’ and it would have obeyed you!” (Luke, 17: 5-6)

According to Buddhism: “We are what we think. Through thought we build and destroy the world.
“We are what we think. Your imagination can do more harm than your worst enemy.

“But once you control your thoughts, no-one can help you so much, not even your father or your mother.” (Extract from Dhammapada, a collection of some of Buddha’s principal teachings)

For Islam: “How do we purify the world?” asked a disciple.

Ibn al-Husayn replied: “There was a sheik in Damascus called Abu Musa al-Qumasi. Everyone honored him for his wisdom, but no-one knew if he was a good man. One afternoon a flaw in construction caused the house where the sheik lived with his wife to fall down. In despair, the neighbors began to dig among the ruins. After a while they managed to locate the wife.
“She said: ‘Leave me. First save my husband, who was sitting more or less over there.’ The neighbors removed the debris from the place she had pointed to and found the sheik, who said: ‘Leave me. First save my wife, who was lying down more or less over there.’

“When someone acts like this couple, they are purifying the whole world through their faith in life and love.”

2008-08-21T17:30:00.002+02:00

.....soothing words that sound so similar, yet are not mine .... but just keep reminding me over and over of my own nature and image, remind me of who I am and want to continue to be ... and to keep writing this from my heart - to keep speaking and spilling out my heart's deepest desires ....

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/dreams.html

2008-08-20T15:22:00.003+02:00

The Four Invisible Forces

love

death

power

time

they are separate from us, but exist beside us as they guide us toward and through each of our lessons, each moment of our existence ....

.... as I read about them now, I understand their intangibleness as if I can indeed touch them, I see them soar alongside me as I continue to journey higher and higher

and I hear the Songlines of Life sing through me, a single chord - so crystal and clear and pure and charming in sound - from the bottom of my body all way the through to the top of me - the origin of creation, or spirit, of soul

.... I haven't heard and felt the Song of Life for a long time now - too long - its good to be home....

...Quote ...

2008-08-19T17:43:00.002+02:00

We go out into the world in search of our dreams and ideals.

Often we store away in some inaccessible place what is already there within reach of our hands.

(Maktub)

by Paulo Coehlo

The Rock ...... (a Natural Symbol)

2008-08-19T17:41:00.001+02:00

"From the height of the Mountains, we now concentrate on their building blocks : the rocks.
Rocks, given their solidity, are often symbols of eternity. And given that they alter less perceptibly than other physical manifestations, they are often taken as divine symbols. The mightiest examples of this are Menhirs and dolmens.
In India, rocks that would emerge from the top of the mountains are considered as the lingams of Shiva , whilst in ancient China, to draw rocks would represent long life according to the yang principle (whilst to draw waterfalls would be associated with the yin principle).
In Judaism the block of stone placed as the altar of the temple is considered to be the middle of the equator and thus as the origin of the world.
But the rock “on the rough”can also be pictured in certain sects as the novice that still has to pass through many phases before becoming a “sculpted” rock, in which the tradition will carve it’s teachings.In this sense then the rocks is the symbol of potentialities - of the qualities inherent to a person but not yet manifest.The rock waits then to be transformed and is considered as a path looking for it’s destination."

2008-08-19T13:12:00.002+02:00

..... and just as I think I am again alone in my understanding and experience of life .... that I again have lost the plot, I go back to the beginning of when I started to awaken and the source that guided me and read what it was and still is I assume, that drives her to write and live and be as she does ... and in her drive to not give up, to keep searching and holding onto that which she cannot see, but that she just KNOWS to be true, because she has come to comprhend that the truth lies in the unseen, the intangible, the unexplainable, all that seems to be ciondemned and criticised for not following reason and logic into physical form - that nothing less than this is real, anything else is illusion ... it is here that I hear my voice, that voice that calls me gently into the right direction when I lose my way, it is here that I find myself once again ... and here that I will renew and replenish my reserves and continue with my journey, staying true to my heart, my soul, my identity, even when the world refuses to understand me and what it is I am looking for .....

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/

Oriah Mountain Dreamer's "Opening The Invitation"

A Bitter Pill

2008-08-19T12:57:00.002+02:00

"Rejection ....

.... a difficult pill to swallow

and one, that I think, will always be

bitter in taste

and in digestion

it sits like a hard

sour ball

in the pit of the stomach

refusing to disintegrate

be broken down

and to leave

more acid than the stomach juices

it takes its time

and only when

you're ready to let go

stop resisting

and let it be

does it finally fade

dissolve

and leave you

some relief

finally some peace.

and in its place

a gaping hole

a searing rip of flesh

tender

and weeping

and broken...."

A Prayer

2008-08-18T23:35:00.001+02:00

Please
Let me hold you in my heart
And let's not bruise one another so anymore
Let us stop with the scissors that cut those paper cuts
Invisible blades of pain...

I want to rather hold my memory of you from a distance
Be true to the caring for you I hold deep inside

No longer giving you a reason to bite me inconspicuously with your
words you type.

Too sore am I to play this game
We both hurt too deeply
And love beyond our sense of safety

Let us coincide
Amicably
its the
best we know how,
best we can do.

... My Last Message in a Bottle ... Just for You

2008-08-18T22:14:00.002+02:00

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep

in the empty moments.

(Oriah Mountain Dreamer)

2008-08-18T14:16:00.000+02:00

As the inner storm subsides, the waters are so much clearer and I can start to see the horizon and surroundings far more …..and so I see you.

So often I walk away from these sorts of situations battered and bruised thinking I failed, because I could not get you to see what I tried so hard to – and I walk away thinking I am less than what I thought I was, that I missed the plot, missed the point, that somewhere I got lost along the way, that I am the one deeply lacking … and, instead of listening to me I listen to you, and your opinions … but what I forgot, and did so again this time, was that perhaps it was not me on the wrong track, that I was not lost, only confused because I let your lack of trust in me become my lack of trust in me. … through distance I get perspective, and my understanding now is that I couldn’t have been there for you more than what I was, not because I reached my limit, but because of your lack of receiving…. I tried to show you who you really are … I stood for you in every possible way – and came back every time despite my deepest fears, my body telling me your ground is not firm, you still do not know yourself…. (and I know that I still stand for you in my heart, but you need to trip and fall on your own now).

I know I do this every time, and I did it again with you. I know you do not see the whole of me, because you do not see the whole of you. I see the whole of you, and so I can see the whole of me – and this clarity in the waters is what allows me to be where I am now, to be with certainty with myself and my perspectives, that just a day or so ago I undermined …

I hear your criticism and downsizing of people everyday – I’m surprised you haven’t done the same to me more??? And I know this is because of how you undermine yourself, how you guard you run as far as you can from your heart, terrified of what it entails to go searching therein, after all this time – it always “starts at home” – I wish with all my heart that you could find a way to move beyond this and be the soul you’re destined to be – the person I saw from the very beginning, and still sense beyond all the walls, and obstructions and disbeliefs in humanity – but you would need to choose this destiny. If you could move into this direction, you’d move into the possibility that is waiting to be your reality, you’d discover a self that is you that you’ve never known before…..

...

2008-08-17T20:24:00.001+02:00

You seemed to think that my youth governs my understanding - of life
and love. Today I walked with the sands slipping between my toes, and
remembered to not let your lack of faith in me, your lack of trust in
you, govern who I become, how I am coloured beyond this crossroads.
You think me naive and full of fantasy in how I view Love. I
considered this - your viewpoint ... I am to old in soul, to rich in
experience to NOT have faced Love's true guise. You kept me far away,
focusing on me, to hide from you...

Slipping into Me

2008-08-17T10:12:00.001+02:00

I resolve and relax
Into giving in to myself
Giving in to the greater part of me - and letting her hold me
While I walk through this
Did I fail again? Was I not enough in my heart and my love?
The answers all being tender and firm "No's."
I was everything that I could have been, I loved with every part of my
being, I offered generously - and honoured the depth of my heart by
holding nothing back ...
And then I'm told, he just wasn't ready to receive all of that...
I let go and fall into the stillness in me

The Dance

2008-08-16T09:56:00.004+02:00

THE DANCE

I have sent you my invitation,

the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.

Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"

Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,

spiralling down into the ache within the ache.

And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward

to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.

Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself

when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,

And see who I am in the stories I am living.

And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.

Show me you can risk being completely at peace,

truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,

and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,

the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall,

to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy

boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we

never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can

risk letting the world break your heart.

And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead

make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business

without letting business determine who you are.

When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's

desires have too high a price,

let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world

the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show

you how I struggle

not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,

knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me

in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of

the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest

intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next

great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from

the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"

Just take my hand and dance with me.

(Oriah Mountain Dreamer)

~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

2008-08-15T15:42:00.002+02:00

This has been my saving grace over the past day.....

By Paulo Coelho

"Profound commitment to a dream does not confine or constrain: it liberates. Even a difficult, winding path can lead to your goal if you follow to the end."

(Maktub)

Being Your Word

2008-08-15T13:48:00.001+02:00

So this is the low-down…..

I did the right thing, I know this. But it doesn’t make it any easier – in fact it actually diminishes the numbness and allows the pain to surface even more – perhaps this is better, to allow it the space to breathe, to face the air of forgiveness and the chance to release and free – itself and me ….

It was not too long ago that I learned the following – to be Your Word, the Word that stands at the core of who you are, and holds the Essence of who you are. The concept at the time was quite if not completely foreign. And I know that for most sitting in the room with me at the time – it went straight over their heads. I was suspicious at first – very aware of the fragile state of my mind and knew that I had to tread very carefully in the space of my cerebral garden and pick carefully the concepts / thoughts and philosophies that I wanted to allow to take seed therein.

It took a month or so for the essence of what this course was trying to say to really sink in. I was very diligent in protecting myself from getting caught up in the hype. I knew that I was there for a reason – to get closure on the past in a particular area in my life where this course was directly involved, but to also walk away with something new and enlightening for me – for my growth. I did walk away with this. I was brave enough to walk away from the course and all those involved as well at the time – because what I learned – the essence – blew my world apart. And in keeping with this new found knowledge that wasn’t any longer just comprehended in my head, but I soon realized was in fact already a part of me – it was/is a principle that has always been a part of me – it is inherently in my nature.

I came to understand the power of the energy expressed from our bodies – be it in the form of words, actions, thoughts. I came to realise the potency contained in these things – and to comprehend the level of profound creativity that is contained in each of these moments of expression - the magic being in that through these energetic expressions – we are expressing our spirit, our essence – in all of its trueness … BE YOUR WORD … the ancient cultures such as the Aboriginals understood this through their “songlines”; the Jewish understood it through their Mysticism; that this potent energy dwells with US and it is from here – deep in the belly of our spirit – that creation in fact starts – it is that concentrated life force, a mysterious magic that is the nature of our source, the fabric of our spirit – and the power held in our choices – it is through action and words and thoughts that we creatively give expression to life – and so ourselves – our nature – who we are, and essentially choose to be.

It has been long and hard in embracing this way of living out into every moment of my existence. And I don’t always get it right I think … I trip and fall and scrape myself, but each time I always try to find a way to pick myself up and keep going … And this is what carries me through now in this most recent and VERY powerful decision (thought) that I have taken, just two nights ago… the decision to leave a space because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be honouring who I am, who I stand for, for myself and for those I love.

You see in being my word, I have to act out and express the essence of who I am, and that entails living out and standing for my core values, my deepest being in spirit. The integrity of the one I love is at stake right now, his honesty towards himself, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I reached a crossroads where I was left to either continue living in his space where he is being this for himself and watch him go against his essence and deepest values, and hurt himself – or I could sacrifice our togetherness in the name of honouring who I truly believe him to be, and so place myself in the position where I know I can say I stood up for the both of us – in the name of Love. I couldn’t live that lie with him anymore. My heart is so achingly sore, my mind is distracted, but my spirit is clean and pure – like crystal ocean waters – the salt stings like mad!!! – but I know I stood for Us, for the pureness of our hearts and who we both truly want to be. I want to see him live out the foundation that lies and supports him from deep within, but I can only hope that he will find the courage to do this …. I’m not sure if he’s up for it. And, I’m not sure he’ll ever understand what and why I did what I did. And, I know he does not understand what he really has and does mean to me …. And it is okay, because I suppose its only me who needs to understand at the end of it all …. Hey?

I once said to him that the most important way of being true to oneself is having the courage to be true to one’s heart, one’s spirit – even when who we’re living as in the outside world doesn’t correspond with who we are inside of ourselves, and having to face and confront this with integrity. I said that this was self-respect, and that living like this allows for dying with no regrets, a light heart, and the greatest spirit …. I may have lost him long the way, but I need this, I need to live this, I need to be this ….

Push

2008-08-15T11:33:00.002+02:00

He's pushing me away ...

so hard ....

so fast

and yes it hurts

it hurts like hell

I miss him

and the space inside me is raw

... but he's hurting himself so much more......

... How? ...

2008-08-15T11:32:00.000+02:00

How do you make him see that you stand only for his best, you stand only for the deep-seated values of integrity and honour that he carries in his heart - for it is this that drew me to him to begin with ... and that to stand for anything less is to not stand for him at all, that to stand by and watch him, and then to also partake in his actions of now, is to not stand by him nor for him at all .... to condone him not living his truth and in the next breath to say "I love you" ... this is not love. not as I see it. It takes the deepest kind of courage to walk away from the person you hold so deeply inside of you because you cannot encourage them to be a lie for themself ... I love him too much to live this way, and so I've walked away.

... Naive yet True?

2008-08-14T06:57:00.001+02:00

Too often an adult rebukes a chilf for their whimsical ideas - yet
some of greatest writers have gone back to their child - in essence
their spirit - in order to understand those deep and fundamental
Truths of Life. You see a child SEES so much more than what an adult
does, because the cement isn't there to block the eyes. I was told my
words are naive - are they? Interestingly most of the ones I shared
were all from a great writer - probably twice my age - certainly older
than you ... Is he then NAIVE too?

I am the Ocean and the Moon

2008-08-08T19:34:00.001+02:00

Oceans waters run deep thru me, I wax and wane as the Lady Lunar, and
as temperamental as I am in each individual moment - choosing my own
mood and state to be that suits me - I live thru eternity, travelling
the same cosmic skies. Too many base impressions on my ever-changing
states, instead of looking beyond this illusion to the permanency of
my existence, unwavering, eternal.

Your arms

2008-08-08T19:22:00.001+02:00

You said not so long ago that you just want to protect me, hold me in
your arms. So determined am I to prove my self-suffiency,
self-reliance, that I pushed ur tender want away, so I could not be
seen as weak ... And now, I see that I could have just received you
and fallen into that strong embrace that I love so much ... You see,
the truth is that I'm not always so strong, at times I fall apart ...
Like now. And I wish I could sink into you, be cocooned in your
embrace and let myself go, to just lie with u

? ?

2008-08-08T08:11:00.001+02:00

What do we do when we sense the beginnings of unappreciation starting
to take seed - sensing that the other is falling into the arrogance
that we'll just always be there and no effort is needed to keep us
here anymore ... What does one do when you feel that whisper telling
you your valuable presence is starting to be taken for granted? ...

... I'm not sure yet, but I'm certainly working on it.

Forgetting to Appreciate

2008-08-08T07:33:00.001+02:00

Its so easy to slip into a space of comfort and to forget to
appreciate that which is precious to us ... The nature of things is
'change' or impermanent, and so when something / someone close to us
is not appreciated by us in the deepest sense, you will find that one
moment there'll just be this space, this void - and in the distance
their receding forms. ... The thing is how easy it is to forget to
appreciate.

In the Other

2008-08-07T21:37:00.001+02:00

You can never know what lies in the heart of your Other, and so we are
taught to trust ... but sometimes, you just need to take heed of and
witness the gentle warnings.

2008-08-07T21:31:00.001+02:00

... and the tears just keep falling ... great big ones, and they taste
salty and clear ...

... advice of friends ...

2008-07-30T22:49:00.001+02:00

We haven't seen one another for a while, and after spilling our guts
out, he wrapped up us two tender, loving, deep creatures that we are,
like this:
'unlike all the others, when we meet someone, we go straight to their
core bypassing all their layers of 'stuff' - so taken are we with
their true essence - we tend to start with marriage move backwards
towards the dating part and then realise all the shit / issues
surrounding the core - so we ultimately always start off
disappointed.' we see their beauty 1st.

... So What is Truth then?

2008-07-30T12:49:00.002+02:00

I received two entries / quotes today in my mailbox - and i am perpelxed, becuase they seem to contradict one another .... the one looks at "Truth" ... and the other at "Love" .... So here are two extracts, one from the first and one from the second:

1. "Mahatma Gandhi ... “Those who believed in the simple truths I proclaimed, can only spread them if they live in accordance with them. I am absolutely convinced that any man or woman can achieve what I did, if he makes the same effort and nurtures the same hope and faith." "

2. “That’s how love got lost,” he said. “When we started laying down rules for when love should or shouldn’t appear.”

And so I ask this, when the love appears, and you know its true, but its secrecy has the potential to harm another, is it True? My heart tells me "NO!" My deeper sense tells me that the greater Truth and Love for myself, for space is right nowthe one I keep in my heart, and for the ignorant party, is to walk away - i try to undertsnad the "love" in my equation and how this second quote would fit into that ....

So here's a thought: Love comes to us in its own time, we can embrace or shy away, but not dishonour - Love is pure and generous and compassionate - it is not secret and ego-driven ... I fear that this is where I am with 'my love' at the moment - and my deeper sense of truth tells me that its time to go. Love I believe shows us the deeper love and compassion for ourselves - and shows us where we're terrified to tread - often into our own hearts and what truely lies therein - often its a long-forgotten love and tenderness that got hurt and that we covered up, hid, and tried to forget about over the years - the thing is, The Lady will keep returning until we get brave and venture back into ourselves .... so, what I am going to try and take away with me is that he has forgotten the love for himself and its limitless expanses, his capacity to love another because of this, and becuase of forgetting this love, he's fallen into a conventional way that contradicts everything that he confesses to believe in - and his actions now are a complete contradiction of his once saying how he is an "old soul" - a soul with the eyes of agedness would open then no matter how much resistance and see what needs to be seen ....

Its taken me so long to come to this point, but my being realised this morning that he may not want to face any of this - but i do - and if I trueky honour how I FEEL, then i cannot stanmd by and watch this happen - My "eyes" know how this hiding away hurts one's self, one's spirit, and the one's who back .... What I feel is an extension of who I am, and if I am true to myself, I will leave, becuase its the honest thing to do - being part of his decision to keep hurting himself and the people he loves is not what I stand for.

I understand love breezes in when we least expect it to - but surely it is there for us to grow, not to be complacent - surely it has our greater wellbeing at heart - then surely my role cannot be one of playing a part possibly hurting another's heart (I've been there once before). He will need to hurt her on his own, for I cannot, I honour her - and if this is really what he thinks of her, thinks its okay to continue with this, then he loves her not, for that is not Love.

.... sacred whispers .....

2008-07-29T15:59:00.002+02:00

.... there is nothing greater than reaching the absolute bottom of one's strength and will and hope, only to be given a moment, a chance, to speak the initmate sounds and passions of the soul .... in that moment of surrender, one finds one's self, the tears well up in tenderness as one realises the magnitude of what has been expressed and released - and the courage it took to seize that moment, to take heed of the whisperings- and how peaceful it feels to express that which is .....

the beauty is breathtaking in the moments we are brave enough to say what is moving deep within us.

Your Zahir

2008-07-28T17:03:00.002+02:00

Your Zahir

I am your Zahir
I’ve entered your mind
And body
And soul
You know I’m here to stay
And won’t go
And you won’t let me
You’ll hold on
Till your end
And then
You’ll hope we’ll meet again

You know I’ve touched
every part
of your core
you know
I dance
To your musical score
And with each
movement my body makes
it shakes
you through to your bones
you know
that even if I leave
there’ll be a gap
you’ll feel the breeze
forever
and then you’ll yearn to search
for that woman
who captured
your being like that
who seeped through
every pore
discovered your nature
both human and more
in that way
all the way through
“silent waters
penetrate deep”
Is what you said,
As you permeated my waters
deep
My fires have burned
Your desires
Red

… I am your Zahir
Not because I say this is so
But because
at last
You’ve seen your Destiny glow.

(28th July 2008)

The Point of "Make" or "Break"

2008-07-28T16:49:00.002+02:00

There is a ine line between having life guide us ito circumstance that is beyond our knowing - and thus control -

- And then reaching a point in that circumstance / journey where the reigns are handed over to us - it is at this point that we stand for Truth despite how hard, or we relinquish the fact of our awareness and pretend it is still out o our control ....

(Life leads us to where we need to be - sets the stage, arranges the actors - but we choose the direction in which the play will unfold, the dialogue that will ensue, and thus determine the outcome for ourselves .... and solely based on this conclusion, will the nature of our next "encounter" be compiled.)

.... There is a point of innocence and sleep, and then it transforms into knowing awakedness - and it is at this point that we make or break who we are.

Journal: A Restless Heart ...

2008-07-27T19:30:00.002+02:00

I am restless. My heart is yearning. I have felt the winds of change
caressing my cheek this past month - as they've done today - something
is coming. I'm not sure what, but I know this language too long, fully
fluent from having spoken it through lifetimes ... my direction is
about to change course again ... A mix of excitement and trepidation as I'm about to set off on another, sometimes daunting, journey I assume this becuase of experiences beore, but there is always space for change, and newness) ..... I hope and pray this leads me closer and closer to where I want to be, but know I cannot see because of the rule of "not all is always revealed, only as much is necessary to see the path just ahead" - the rule of needing to walk blindly along parts of the path ...... And all I can do is wait and see...

.....

2008-07-27T12:46:00.003+02:00

"...you say I don't know you. But I do, and you know this .... you know that I see behind the veils, the safety mechanism of calmness, to your depths - I see what fires you, scares you, saddens you, moves you ........

I see that it's not your reasoning of if you cracked, what would others do, its what would you do ... where and whom would you fall into? .... so you hold on .....

......you also know that what I see is magnificent, and it terrifies you, because where to now? ...."

Fear the soulmate of Love (27th July 2008)

2008-07-27T12:40:00.005+02:00

FEAR is the Disguised channel to LOVE .....

So what then is it to be truly content and full from life? What is it then to know life to it depths and to know its every horizon?

I believe it comes from the ability to let go of what we convince ourself is our happiness – its to let go of this and instead to know that we’ve reached every limit, searched in every corner and have tasted every morsel – so that we know every part of ourself, every desire has been tantalised and fed.

I see too many people around me feeding themself this lie – and when I look into their eyes, I know they are sad, that they have not explored every part of themself, every yearning, every pull, every flickering flame that motivates who they are.

And I see too many looking away from the reality of the missing parts, the holes deep within that so desperately want to follow, jump into and be satisfied to the full.

Do we not have a responsibility to do this? You see, when we don’t be true to ourself, we’re not being true those closest to us, nor to Life itself – we pretend that all is well – and then when we go astray we pretend we don’t know why. We use the excuse of riding the wave – but there are different ways of riding the wave, skilfully using the rides own choice of directions to gently steer ourselves, or to submit completely intot he wave itself – I’m not the wave appreciates the weight.

Why lie to one’s self? Why keep the other blinded – because we all know that the other actually knows in their heart what’s really going on – they just don’t want to admit it – so they live in silent suffering, and hold on, submitting themselves and sacrificing themselves – giving up on their own dreams, becoming the other’s servant, subservient in a desperate attempt to hold onto what is no longer there. And we (the one having gone atray) let them carry this burden when it’s not theirs. Out of cowardice and a fear of the Unknown, we too hold onto what we know – even if it is dead, even if the winter has arrived and its time to clean out the closet of the stagnancy – for debris needs another life to start – its where new life breeds from. If we do not throw the old out – it stagnates and causes disease. But throw it out and it becomes compost for new life – we move form the Winter of the soul into its Spring. But rebirth, is the unknown for too many, and so they stay in winter. And ignore life calling them, beckoning them to move into the next season for their life.

I see people too scared to be all of themselves? Why deny your ultimate Self? There is nothing wrong with wanting and dreaming and doing what you need to, to realise it. It’s the only way to ensure that those around us are left happy and fulfilled too – that, in my eyes is love. The courage to face that which no longer is within one’s self, take a stand to change this, and by standing up inspire those closest to us to do the same for themself. This is unconditional love – facing the truth and letting go – so there can be rebirth, new life – unconditional love. In the Zahir, Esther realises this and knows that her marriage has become dead, and harmful (in spirit), so she takes a stand and leaves knowing that to truly be with the man she loves, her spirit needs to discover her love for herself first – she was empty, her reservoir was low and the fire between her and her man was dying. The risk was that their marriage would extinguish, but she knew she had to do something. Her awareness of life was too awake for her to not do something, if she was going to continue to be the person she had been in her life up to that point, she had to face the reality of her life and change it…. He came in search of her, because by her leaving and searching for that fullness of life in her again, by her going in search of who she truly is and had forgotten along the way, she moved beyond the reactionary human way of being, became all of herself and inspired him to do the same – for him. She created space for the both of them to rediscover the people they were when they met – that passion and fiery spirit that had drawn them to one another at the beginning. She found what Love truly is in nature, the strength to let go, in order for the possibility of newness – and ultimately something Greater, beyond what they had experienced up till then…..

To not be true to ourselves and our heart, in a dignified, open and honest way – is to lie to our essential self – and, to leave our loved one’s in an undignified space. If you’re not entirely happy in love, then confront it, face it with tenderness, face the other with tenderness as you confront your reality – which is theirs too. There are many avenues to venture down in the name of honesty and greater possibility.

We all deserve to search and yield the rewards of our searches in the name of honouring our Truth. Its why we are here. Sacrificing ourself does no one any good, it creates resentment, dishonesty and secrets. That is not love, I do not believe, and anyone who professes this is love – and this is what unions with another are about – are sorely lost, confused – or scared to the core that if they were to truly let go in search of what calls in the heart – if they were to let go and let their heart’s current guide them – let go of their “reasonable”, “rational”, controlling mindset (I use inverted commas because I do not believe this is rational or reasonable but the contrary) – and give into their Greater Self, that they’d no longer be in control …. For some reason people use the excuse that this path causes hurt and is selfish – this is where the its all got twisted –THIS is Love, trueness to one’s self at the deepest level, where courage is needed to see and face where we lie to ourself in our life does not cause hurt. It liberates in the most compassionate loveing way, and opens the space for us to really see how we are being to our self, what is not true in our life, and it opens the space for those closest to us to be true to themself as well – and to go in search of their own deep happiness, pursue their REAL dreams, and recognise where they too have been going wrong. Holding onto that which does not exist, but is pretended to be there, is not true – that is illusion. Reality is facing that which IS.

So I discuss this with a friend, I am not sure if he got what I said. He may read this and think I am trying to change his ways, that I’m telling him to leave where he is right now. This is the complete opposite. I want to say that he is not happy where he is. I can see it, and have from the beginning. I know his nature, and I do not see him nourishing himself and who he truly is by his interacting with his loved one – the affection is not there – his passion is dying inside of him, it’s suffocating inside, and I can see his spirit drowning and desperately trying to wake him up. I’ve told him before his cough is because his heart is suffocating inside and he won’t believe me – he said he’s had this for 10 years, well perhaps this is how long he’s been unhappy……If I didn’t care about him, I wouldn’t have said this as frankly to him as I did. I want him to face where he is dishonouring himself and his spirit – and through doing this, dishonouring his relationship. He is hurting his body. And he is eventually going to hurt everybody that he holds deeply in his hurt – only the devastation will be irreparable. (Unfortunately the wiser a person in the ways of Life, the higher the level of responsibility). He does not have a relationship with his partner, but with his work – that is where his fires are stoked, his passions are inspired. What I am saying to him instead is find the courage to face this – in the name of his happiness, and his partner, and the rest of their lives (together or apart) because she deserves to have a new start too, have her passions and fires stoked, feel the exhiliration of a life that is TRULY full – and that she knows is hers, because she created it that way. She truly deserves this – and by him not facing what he is fully aware of, is to hold her back for accomplishing this. It’s easy to keep going from day to day and pretend all is well – but he is hurting himself in the deepest way by doing this. And her by impact – the law of cause and effect – The Ripple Effect. Her heart knows what is going on, she knows he does not love her in that way. So be straight with her, let her decide for herself if this is okay for her if she too wants something more. Perhaps there is a better person for her, and he does not “do” it for her anymore either. What if she does not “adore’ him as he believes her to? We can’t always be so sure. She may adore him to the core, but also feel there is something missing.

To say who we are, is to then LIVE out who we say we are …. Why continue to live is the heart is no longer inspired by the place it is in? If a person has given up on being inspired and have one’s desires fuelled and explored to highest heights, then is that not having given up on life?

I laugh because he tells me despite this discontent, he will stay and pretend all is fine – and yet in the next breath tells me that he cannot make promises and give answers because life is uncertain – change is inevitable. A bit of a contradiction I thin. But actually – it’s a safe excuse. I know he is scared. He is just like the author character in the Zahir, and he said it himself, he’s arrogant because he knows he can have any woman, and that he has never suffered rejection. The character has any woman he wants, but at the end realises that the woman he truly wants is the one that inspires him to be all of himself, the one that challenged him to let go and fall into his fear, that knew him so well and saw he was not living out his destiny – that fear of falling completely in love with another – and knowing the risk of not being able to swim out again.

What I am saying is that he (my friend) has finally come face to face with his deepest fear – of falling - deeply into another only to be rejected. This fear has held him back years ago when he decided to be safe and stable, and rather avoid the risk. Life has brought him full circle with himself – his heart wants him to fall off that cliff, to plunge into the depths of another, to discover himself. Opening all of himself and falling into that abyss of another and all his emotions and feelings. Opening himself to ADORE another – and not to only be the adored. Because the truth is, he’s never really enjoyed the adoration, it’s a disguise he’s used for all the these years to protect himself from suffering the possibilities of adoring another to those depths, and never coming out alive again…..

…. And I know he’s scared that the woman he’s starting to fall for is me.

Songs .... a point of reference

2008-07-26T08:53:00.005+02:00

our reflections, our nature, mirrored in song .....

1. Fleetwood Mac

" Everybody Finds Out"

"Destiny Rules"

2. Alanis Morissette

"21 Things I Want in a Lover"

"A Man"

3. Feist

"One Evening"

"Leisure Suite "

4. Cafe Del Mar (vol. 6)

"Traveller"

5. Peter Gabriel

"Don't Give Up"

(feat. Kate Bush)

6. Kate Bush

"Sensual World"

(www.deezer.com)

Yes? ... or .... No?

2008-07-23T19:35:00.003+02:00

I am taking a huge risk in putting up this entry. But perhaps it is a good thing - it will rattle and shake my cage of comfort and possibly challenge my misconceptions - as I too think I know everything at times. Perhaps it will shake loose some old debris in ways of thinking and allow space for newness and change ... allow some fresh air to breath through and settle into healthier views on things ..... a case of less fear, and more choice ....

"Why women believe we (men) love them."

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/warrioroflight/

(..... oh and just so we're all clear ... I don't ever want to be the kind of woman described in this list - I despise it, and certaoinly don't allow myself to succumb to these illusions now. Thank God!)

....

2008-07-23T16:25:00.002+02:00

.....

"...... the soul knows, it always does."

2008-07-21T19:31:00.002+02:00

All that I feared has come to pass .....

“Some people can only value what they have, when they endure the experience of loss.”

Discovering true fear
Posted: 18 Jul 2008 06:28 AM CDTPaulo Coehlo

Quote .... that already within reach (21 July 2008)

2008-07-21T12:59:00.000+02:00

Quote of the Day

Posted: 14 Jul 2008 05:35 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho

We go out into the world in search of our dreams and ideals.
Often we store away in some inaccessible place what is already there within reach of our hands.

(Maktub)

2008-07-21T12:47:00.003+02:00

Journal:

I am quietly aching again, and I recede into a quietness, a space of healing ... I recognise this and somehow its comforting knowing that this phase of the journey has arrived - and yet its still so painful. The gentle throb is constant, a reminder of how much I feel ... and encouragement for me to keep going, telling me that I am only getting stronger from this experience.... the below quote / extract / comment somehow makes me feel better, tells me I'm on the right track no matter how hard it is to say "No, this far and no further. I deserve more than this." ... It tells me how to look after myself, in that coccoon of Self and Unconditional love, to nurture myself back .... as I find the courage to step out and love once more. I read the text below and I remeber that i need to take each day one step at a time - give myself the time I need to find my faith again in love, the thing I trusted and believed in with everyhting that is me .... its defeated for the moment, beaten down ... so just one step at a time......

In search of signs
Posted: 14 Jul 2008 05:39 AM CDT
By Paulo Coelho
We may think at times that the only thing life offers us tomorrow, is to repeat everything we did today. But if we pay close attention, we will see that no two days are alike.Each morning brings a hidden blessing; a blessing which is unique to that day, and which cannot be kept or re-used. If we do not use this miracle today, it will be lost.This miracle is in the small things of daily life; we must live in the understanding that at every moment there is a way out of each problem, the way of finding that which is missing, the right clue to the decision which must be taken in order to change our entire future.But how to find the courage for this? As I see it, God speaks to us through signs. It is an individual language which requires faith and discipline in order to be fully absorbed.For example, Saint Augustine was converted in this way. For years he sought - in various philosophical schools - an answer to the meaning of life, until one afternoon, in the garden of his house in Milan, as he reflected on the failure of his search, he heard a child in the street: “Take up and read! Take up and read!”Although he had always been governed by logic, he decided - in an impulse - to open the first book which came to hand. It was the Bible, and he read part of St. Paul which contained the answers he sought. From then on, Augustine’s logic made way for faith to take part in his life, and he went on to become one of the Church’s greatest theologians.The monks of the desert used to say it was important to allow angels to act. Because of this, they occasionally did absurd things - such as talk to flowers or laugh without a reason. The alchemists followed the “signs of God”; clues which often made no sense, but which always lead somewhere.“Modern man tried to eliminate life’s uncertainties and doubts. And in doing so he left his soul dying of hunger; the soul feeds off mysteries” - says the dean of Saint Francis Cathedral.There is a meditation exercise which consists of adding - generally for ten minutes a day - the reasons for each of our actions. For example: “I now read the newspaper to keep myself informed. I now think of such-and-such a person, because the subject I read about lead me to do so. I walked to the door, because I am going out”. And so forth.Buddha called this “conscious attention”. When we see ourselves repeating our ordinary routine, we realize how much wealth surrounds our life. We understand each step, each attitude. We discover important things, and useless thoughts.At the end of a week - discipline is always fundamental - we are more conscious of our faults and distractions, but we also understand that, at times, there was no reason to act the way we did, that we followed our impulses, our intuition; and now we begin to understand this silent language which God uses in order to show us the true path. Call it intuition, signs, instinct, coincidence, any name will do - what matters is that through “conscious attention” we realize that we are often guided to the right decision.And this makes us stronger and more confident.

Symbols & Signs .... silent guides

2008-07-21T12:45:00.000+02:00

Free Association : The Sun

Posted: 14 Jul 2008 07:45 AM CDT
Symbols are doors that enable us to enter other universes. They are based in associations and from this week onwards I want to invite you to make a list of free associations based in a symbol that I will post here in the blog.
Today we will talk about the Sun.As you know there have been sun deities throughout history.In Ancient Greece as well as in Egypt, the Sun was portrayed as a masculine God : Apollo, Ra.Yet, in other cultures, such as Japanese and Nordic cultures, the Sun is portrayed as a Goddess. For instance, in Japan, Amaterasu was the sun goddess who was born from the left eye of the primeval being Izanagi. The ruler of the Plain of Heaven, she was the oldest daughter of Izanagi. She hid in a cave until Uzume lured her out, at which time a beam of light, the dawn, escaped.Now, you take the floor : what do you associate with the Sun?

Intimate Proximity: Journal (19th July 2008)

2008-07-19T13:35:00.005+02:00

".... you've made a choice to stay where you are right now, the consequence is that you've closed the door on me....... There is responsibility for you take on with this choice of yours, whether you like this or not.... and the impact is that I walk away."

I am free. I am again with myself, intimate in a relationship with me. I know the way I tick, in all spaces that are mine - mentally, emotionally .... sexually. I know the way to touch myself so as to fly to the limits - in all ways - mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually. I access myself more deeply than I have, and yet still remain to experience another do this for me. Despite the general mindset, I believe this is possible - and is necessary - to fully let go into Life. To fully trust the mystical realm that fires our hearts - Its not about asking another to make us happy - its about becoming vulnerable in letting another be inspired by the fullness of our nature - and then letting ourselves be inspired by them. Its about letting go of the belief that Love does not exist - because we all secretly believe this, believe that we are not loveable enough - its this transcendent kind of Love from another that reminds us along the way of who we are, and we leave another enchanted and spellbound merely by who we are.... Is this not incredible? These are the depths to which I live, and want to explore with another. I want to make me happy, and I want to express this fullness through the language of passion and ecstasy to another. And I want him to do the same - to have the courage and strength to never stop, to never give up in finding who he is, and celebrating his discovery with me. I have had many lovers for a good period of time, some have taught me how to reach these spaces and levels of intimacy with myself - I remember their lessons of discovery, in their quest to discover me, and I honour their findings.

I am alone, in a relationship with myself - I am my own friend, companion, guide, lover, and I know that it will take someone of incredible strength of will and character to be able to fill my place, my shoes, of how and what I am for myself.

I am alone again, because another walked away, closed the door on me. I hurt, but I am okay. I am stronger for it. I know the depths of courage that I carry within, deeply engrained into every cell of my body, I know how to dive into the depths of every emotion, letting go into its currents, trusting it to carry me back to the shore. I am scared - often terrified, and yet, I dont stop, don't hold back, each time growing more in awareness, in sight, in understanding the outer most limits of Life - Its absolute fullness. I know what I have to offer and it was not fully appreciated here. I suspect his fear of heights is what holds him back from plunging in deep in the same way, why he chooses as he does now. Why he cannot be with me - he gave up, gave into his fear - paralysed.

I have returned home from a journey that was brief as it was painful. And I find peace and rest being home again, falling back into my embrace. Into arms that will hold me, as I find myself again, mend my heart, release my feelings of rejection, and deep disappointment. And whilst I step gingerly along this path, he is receding into the blurry mists of my past. I know he does not want this, but its time for him to grow up and see that his actions have impacts, make ripples on others, that his final choice means losing me.

I think I'll start to travel now, I feel ready. Take myself on exotic trips - just me, alone. I'll meet lovers along the way, and will leave them behind. I am a sexual being with fiery passion that I need to express and further explore. Only now, I will be honest with my intention from the outset, that passionate intimate physical exploration is all that I am after - that my aim is to leave saturated with satisfaction. I want this, this liberation. No attachments, and tag alongs. no weaknesses in will that I have to carry for the other, I am done with that. This is my time - and those I have left in the past, have all come to realise this in their own time. I know that with time they saw through their veils of insecurity and felt like fools for letting me get away. And I say this with humility - because I really had no idea, until they showed me. Its given me such a different perspective on myself, I've learned about what I want, that I didn't know before, and they certainly guided me to this point, this understanding of myself.

I'm on my own journey again, its often lonely, and I miss feeling another's touch, another's breath against my ear, my cheek, another's warmth in naked flesh. I miss this. But I sacrifice myself too much for other's seeing their possibility before they have seen it for themselves, and I am not Fate or Destiny, and so do not have the same vision and sight into future mists. I do not know when their awakening will happen - their truthful discovery unfold, so I walk away, sad at knowing who they are, before they do, sad at knowing that there is nothing I can do - they have to get there themselves. It has been the same each time. And only after have they each realised how deep my belief in them was, how much of them I really knew - like no other. I carry each of them tenderly in my heart now as I watched for years after, from a distance, how they unfolded into their Self and have found peace and contentment there. There is such joy that sits deep in my belly when watching the circle come full. And then I leave, and move onto another place, another time - content in the closure of our spirits contracts. Whether aware of it or not, I know we both feel that gentle wind of change blow when the final chapter closes, despite not being in the same town, or having spoken since the intial break. The soul knows, it always knows.

Letter (17th July 2008)

2008-07-17T18:50:00.002+02:00

Dear Love,

This journey is hard. A real test of our strength and the truth of the love we have for the other, or don't ....

I believe now that perhaps the test we're being put to is this:
In finding a way to be selfless
when the other weakens,
to support the other in these times
and remind him/her of the terms of contract
made with one's self
in honour of one's self.

And to not let the other compromise on this, before thinking of our self....

I want to be this for you - and would ask that you be the same for me? Do you hold such strength of will and heart? Do I?

I do not know why we were thrown together in a way such as this. At times it feels like a cruel game played by the gods. With extreme and unpredictable moments of luscious lazy days, sweet smelling scents of pleasure, and ruthless storminess....

Is our endurance being tested, challenged, pushed to its limits, in preparation for a later time - I do not know (as much as my heart wishes for this, yet knows this to be futile - it is not possible) ....

So we'll just need to ride along the current of the present with only the horizon of now visible to our eyes. And each trust our own inner guide to show us the right way .....

xxx

The Face of Love

2008-07-15T07:30:00.003+02:00

The Face of Love

So innocently did I
Go into the space of us
It was just a short while ago that I asked
To come to know
To meet and be acquainted with
To be introduced to
the Unconditional
face of Love

I read the book
“The Obsession”
And through the words
of the passionate painter’s
storyweaving
I came to know
The Source
The Essence
Of Love Divine
And knew its what I wanted

Its what I want
And now I have
Hope to live for

I’ve loved no other
Like this
As I do you
And as I reflect on the days
The weeks
that have been
I fondly remind myself
That everytime my heart squeezes from
missing you
It’s the window through which I can look and see
And remember
Just how much you still mean to me
How deeply I will love you
Always
In this lifetime
Into the next

I’ve loved before
Deeply
Passionately
But not like this
Not where
My palms now stay open
With such tenderness
In willing you to take off
And fly
To discover your destiny
Wherever that may be

I now know that -
As I watch through the window -
There are no conditions in the love that lives here
Only Love itself
Unmasked
And eternal
Untamed
And infinite

And I know that
My hands will always carry you in their palms
And I’ll always be watching
the paths you tread into the ground
the directions you choose to explore
the ways you choose to grow

I know that
by my walking away
I am the closest yet
To you
that I have ever been
For the space I’ve given to me
Is the space I’ve given to you
For us to breathe,
to live,
to be
whole

There will always be a space
In waiting
In case
But not in desperation
With glistening eyes
I’ll look to see how you are doing
And when the smile
crosses your face
I’ll know to pack
the space away

I am at peace
And I’ve lived my fairytale story
Chapter One
- The Zahir -
Just a moment ago
Into now
To continue
to tomorrow

I can rest
In knowing I have arrived
At the door
Of Love’s Wisdom
I have finally met
the face of the love
that I have for you
and Her nature
is Unconditional

14th July 2008
for ....
“I love you unconditionally, through nature and space and time.”

Journal

2008-07-14T09:06:00.004+02:00

14th July 2008

I've been let down again. Its inevitable. I got too excited. I felt too much, again. I've made another mistake again. Like a fool I let myself go, thinking that this was a possibility...I am a fool. Again, I will pick myself up, and I will walk again. My heart is lonely. I am okay with myself, I have spent many years excavating to rediscover the little girl that was before all the painful events started to play out - and I've found her. I know her bubbly giggles that gurgle from deep in her belly. I know her spontaneity of deep loving affection, she just lives tolove those around her, her sudden bursts of excitement at the simple wonders in the world - a leaf falling in a slow descent in Autumn, the faintest of breezes brushing against her cheeck and the smile of peace that spreads across her face in response, a spider inconspicuously climbing its web, a lizard scuttling along the bricks trying to escape the playful grips of a cat's paw - I know this wonder. She is me - I found her, after a very long search. I misseed her terribly, I abandoned all to find her again. .... and I love her (this little girl who is me) dearly. I am content with the woman that is me. And now my heart is wanting a Love, an intimate one. Those older in age (but I think not so much wise) all tell me the same thing - 'you have to be content with yourself, someone else can't be that for you" - do you see me wondering the earth in search of myself? Do you see me flitting from one place to the next never settling long enough to make a home? Do you hear me saying i don't know what to do with my life - lost? I think not - quite the contrary in fact. I see these "elders" back, and its them I see as lost, and discontent, and not knowing themselves ... but its so easy to get caught up in the illsuion of physical age. ..... No, I just love too much, too deeply, too infinitely - and it seems the other can't match me in return. I can't think what else it can be. Perhaps I will only find a match outside of the earthly plane....I thought I had found it - I should have listened and taken in what I was told from the start, and I didn't, I know that I didn't - I didn't want to. He said he'd already met his match. That was my downfalling. I'm too sore right now to be anywhere else. I think I'll just sit for a while with the pain, the disappoinment, and grieve a love lost, died. And when I'm ready I'll move on again. But for now, I'm just going to quietly sit with this ache - of having lost the greatest love I have yet felt, that has ever breathed through me. The blessing is that I learn the incredible capacity of my heart more and more each time, but each one that I Love, seems to not be able to get it - perhaps its too much - like Moses meeting God on the mountain - he would have been destroyed had he seen God's true form. I don't want to hold back. I want to give expression to my soul, my nature, my heart - I want to share who I am from my very depths, and I want to wrap the other in this blanket called Me. I don't want to keep it to myself - I life with my love each and every day - why can I not celebrate it? Its for me to share - its an expression of Spirit - the Spirit's language and medium of creativity is Love - and yet people seem not to see this. To see that magic, to feel their essence in this mystical wording, powerful creative expression. He speaks of his language and its ancient life with awe, yet does not see that its mysticism is just the same as the most ancient of languages.... Can I not too have my dreams come true? Am I not also worthy of that? I think I am. Just because I strive to Love more greatly than others may, does not mean I cannot do so .... I don't understand him then, why he, and all the others, wouldn't want this. I'm left befuddled......Its very sad that it was just a fleeting moment - it was so fast - and then gone. There was not enough time for the seed to take route. The soil go errodedand the seed was lifted and carried elsewhere. for the time being it will lay still - I guess - I'm not sure where its gone, I'm not inclined to look for it right now. My heart is just too sore, and I just don't understand, and am too confused ... I don't get him, and I don't get this - and possibly I never will.

Cold (14th July 2008)

2008-07-14T08:20:00.003+02:00

...... The cold set in

again last night

its been a while

since we last

sat and reminisced

about life

about

death

its possibilities

ways of going

of moving on

i did not hear it come in

but rather

"heard" it move around me

and close in

but just a hint

the iciness

numbness

i have felt before was not there

in as full a force

thank God

but the despondency was

and it knew of my deep tiredness

my endless sadness

for too well

too long

i have known that despair

i crumpled on the floor

i gave up

and let flight

to all the ways

i'd say goodbye

or not

i wondered if there were things

i'd yet to "clean"

to settle

but all is well

(save for my debt)

(save for that pending conversation with my brother;

but that's neither here nor there;

should it never happen

he will learn elsewhere)

my affairs with blood ties

are strong

are well

i think i'd say just one goodbye ....

much strength it takes

to drag myself back into life

to find the motivation

stamina

reason

and its chores

to wash up

and routinely do the sleeping thing

eyes puffed

and sinuses aching

from too much

sobbing

weeping

crying

You have no idea

how you have been a part of this

and will be for a while

how much i have sacrificed

for you

you just won't know

because you don't want to

and its okay

you live in your dream world of

cushioned emotional comfort

its safer there

than out here in the wild

icy winds

of severity

intensity

extremes

blow relentless

you probably couldn't handle it anyway

you don't have what it takes

the courage of heart

the inner strength of steel

i'll just leave you by the wayside instead

and continue to explore

every hard

rough

volatile

niche and corner of this landscape

called Life

with its cutting rocks

and blinding storms

once again a lone explorer

the illusion

is that all is well

and happy and oh so lovely

and you're all just empty

i think you should stay with them

its safer that way

neater

i've tried to show you
but its not my place
this isn't the first time
i've crossed the borders
into foreign territory
where i was not permitted
and i did with you
i picked you up
and carried you in my arms
to all the places
you've needed to see
i've handed you all the texts and scripts
that you will need
all out of the deepest love
and caring
for who you're yet to become

only in years yet

will you know

what you were given

your ego clouds your sight for now

this desert of ice

i've crunchd through before

will i make it -

i never know -

"if its my time, its my time"

if i make it,

it will have been without you.

and at some point

you too will suffer

and you'll not be prepared

you'll ache

excruciatingly

and you'll learn of

what you missed

what you lost

and may never

get back again

and I am sorry that it is this way.